How to Sleep Train a Mommy

Okay, here is my situation:

My mommy has had me for almost 8 months.  The first few months were great - I cried, she picked me up and nursed me.  Anytime, day or night!  Then something happened.  Over the last few weeks, she has been trying to sleep through the night!  At first, I thought it was just a phase, but it is onlt getting worse.  I've talked to other babies, and it seems like it's pretty common after mommies have had us for about six months.  Here's the thing:  These mommies don't really need to sleep.  It's just a habit.  Many of them have had some 30 years to sleep - they just don't need it anymore.  So I am implementing a plan.  I call it the Crybaby Shuffle.  It goes like this:

Night 1:  Cry every 3 hours until you get fed.  I know, it's hard to see your Mommy upset over you crying - just keep reminding yourself that it's for her own good.  

Night 2:  Cry every two hours until you get fed.

Night 3:  Cry every hour.

Most mommies will start to respond more quickly after about three nights.  Some mommies are more alert, and may resist the change longer.  These mommies may stand in your doorway for hours, shh-ing.  Don't give in!!!  

I can not stress this enough:  Consistency is key!  If you let her sleep through the night just once, she will expect it every night.  I know it's hard, but she really does not need the sleep.  She is just resisting change.  If you have an especially alert mommy, you can stop crying for about ten minutes, just long enough for her to go back to bed and start to fall asleep.  Then cry again.  It will eventually work.  My mommy once stayed awake for ten hours straight, so i know she can do it.  

Last night, I cried every hour.  You just have to decide to stick to it and just go for it.  Be consistent!  I cried for any reason I could come up with.  My sleep sack tickled my foot.  I felt a wrinkle under the sheet.  My mobile made a shadow on the wall.  I burped, and it tasted like pears.  I hadn't eaten pears since lunch, what's up with that?  The dog said "woof."  i should know.  My mommy reminds me what a dog says about 20 times a day.  Once, I cried just because I liked how it sounded when it echoed on the monitor in the other room.  Too hot, too cold, just right - doesn't matter!  Keep crying!  It took a while, but it worked.  She nursed me at 4am.  Tomorrow night, my goal is 3:30am.  You need to slowly shorten the interval between feedings in order to reset your mommies internal clocks.  

Good Luck!

PS- Don't let those rubber things fool you.  No matter how long you suck on them, no milk will come out.  Trust me.  

One more, then I'll stop, I promise!

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.  Eventually, Michael the archangel found him resting on the seventh day.

"God, where have you been??" he asked.

God smiled and sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction as he pointed down through the clouds.  "Look, Michael, look what I've made."

Michael looked puzzled and asked "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it.  I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a place of great balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, looking confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of the Earth "For example, Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Africa is going to be poor.  The Middle East over there will be a hotspot for turmoil."  God continued, pointing to different countries "This one will be hot, and this one will be very cold and covered with ice."

Michael, impressed by Gods work, pointed to a land mass with the ocean at its border and asked "What is that one?"

"Ahh," said God, "that is the Jersey Shore, the most glorious place on Earth.  There are beautiful beaches, rivers, lakes and climate.  The people from the Jersey Shore are intelligent, beautiful and humorous.  They will be extremely sociable, high-achieving people, and they will be known throughout the land as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but soon exclaimed "What about balance, God?  You said there would be balance!  Everyone and everything seems so totally perfect in this place you call the Jersey Shore!"

God replied wisely "Wait until you see the assholes Im sending down from Philly and New York every summer!"

So I married a geek.

And not a very funny one, at that.

Setting:  Our bedroom, just before bed.

Saki, glancing at the cup of water on the nightstand:  How old is that water?

The Hubbin':  Old.

Saki:  No, really.  Is it old water, or fresh water?

The Hubbin', clearly annoyed by the prospect of trekking to the kitchen for "fresh water":  Do you think the water in the fridge is "fresh" water?  Do you think when you press that magic little button inside the refrigerator it hydrogenizes the oxygen molecules and forms your "fresh" water.  ALL WATER is old water.  By like, a million years.   Just drink this water.

Saki:  You are a geek.  Can I have new water now?  

Seven.

From the start
She knew she had it made
Easy up 'til then
For sure she'd make the grade
Adorers came in hordes
To lay down in her wake
Gave it all she had
But treasures slowly fade
Now she's falling hard
Feels the fall of dark
How did this fall apart?

A smile of sweetest flowers
Wilted so and soured
Black tears stain the cheeks
That once were so admired
She thinks when she was small
There on her father's knee
How he had promised her,
"You'll always be my baby."
"Daddy come quick,
The dreaming tree has died
I can't find my way home
There is no place to hide
The dreaming tree has died."

Morals and Scruples and Whatnots

Wok:  I have to write an essay.  What is the moral of Cinderella?

Saki:  I don't know.  Probably something like do good things and good things will come to you.

Saki:  Also, be nice to mice.

Wok:  Word.

Nothin' matters in this whole wide world, when you're in love with a Jersey Girl

Three men married wives from different states.

The first man married a woman from Idaho.  He told her that she was to do the dishes and the house cleaning.  It took a bit, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Kansas.  He give his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, all the dishes and all the cooking.  The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.  By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a delicious home cooked meal on the table.

The third man married a woman from New Jersey.  He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, laundry done, and hot meals on the table.  He said the first day he didn't see anything.  The second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix his wife a sandwich and load the dishwasher. 

The Thick Plottens

Yesterday I received the following comment on my Comcast Cable Co. rant:

Hello Saki, 

I apologize for the experience. I knew what you were referring to. We have a small box that you can get or a cable card. I will reach out to my contacts to verify the availability. 

Please provide the telephone number on the account if you are interested in my assistance.

Mark Casem 

Comcast Corp. 

National Customer Operations

We_Can_Help@cable.comcast.com

 

 

My initial reaction, of course, was "Okay, sure, Creepy McCreeperson, would you like my social security number, also?"

 

But then I realized yesterday was April Fool's Day, and began accusing friends (namely Mike and my Hubbin') of concocting the Comcast Hoax.  The Hubbin' suggested googling, which I did, and what I found was several stories from legitimate news sources all discussing Comcasts' new customer service team.  Still not convinced, I called (800) COM-CAST.

 

If you ever want to feel like a total asshole, call your cable company and tell them this:

 

"So, uh yeah...Bear with me here.  I have this blog, on the internet, and uh, I got mad at Comcast, so I um, you know...blogged about it...and then I got this comment on my blog, and it says to send my account phone number to this email address...and I know it's April Fool's Day and stuff, but it is a Comcast account and I was wondering if you could tell me if this is, you know, like...for reals?"

 

Right.  All the while, the Hubbin' was seated beside me, snickering away.  I was put on hold a few times - the person on the other end was probably snickering away, also.  After a few moments, she came back and said "No, this email address certainly has no affiliation with Comcast."  Curious.

 

But, it doesn't end there, kids.  We're just getting warmed up.  

 

The Hubbin' and I went back and forth on it for a while, not wanting to succumb to an identity scam, or worse, the plotted April Fool's trap of one of our friends (O' the humiliation!!).  Eventually, the desire for the tiny cable box overcame our reservation, and we tentatively fired off this email:

 

I received a comment on a post regarding comcast on my blog (www.msnbcasey.blogspot.com) and was asked to email the phone number linked to the account to this email address.  However, when I called (800) COM-CAST, I was told that they could not verify that this is a legitimate part of the comcast customer service team.

While we are intrigued by your offer to help, we are skeptical given the response we received from the comcast (800) number.  Is there any verification that you are actually a part of Comcast?

Thanks! :)

 

Before I knew it - HOLY SHIT!  They emailed me back!!!

 

Hello Casey,

We are indeed a legit team. We are a small team that works out of the corporate office in Philadelphia. If you google ComcastCares you will discover that we have helped many.

Because you have contacted us via your Comcast email address we can locate your account and contact info.

We will have one of our contacts reach out to you tomorrow.

Thanks for reaching out.

Sherri Carson

Digital Media Outreach

National Customer Operations

 

 

 

 

 

 

We emailed back and forth a few times last night.  I was hesitant to give any account information, after the (800) number assured me that it was a scam, But Sherri claimed she could pull account information since I had emailed her via a comcast.net account.

 

This morning, I scoured the internets, looking for the phone number for Comcast Headquarters.  If you ever really want to feel like a huge asshole, call a Corporate office and give them the same sob story you already told the general customer service.

 

The woman who answered the phone assured me Sherri was a legitimate employee and offered me her direct number.  Holy crap, you guys, this shit was for real!

 

Apparently, Comcast really does have people who search the web for people hatin' on Comcast and then they make it right!  

 

And so, between 5-8pm EST* on Friday, I will be the proud new owner of a sleek little cable box.

 

Well played, Comcast.  Well played.

 

 

 

*Just in case, check up on me after 8pm tomorrow, you can never be too certain with people you meet on the internets ;)

I want my MTV

Today, I had to call Comcast Cable Company.  I had been putting it off, because phoning the cable company is like it's own little level of hell.  As we all know, all (800) number calls are routed to one call center. I wanted a cable box for upstairs, so that we could get the Sprout channel for the kids.  I expected to be on hold nothing short of forever, so imagine my delight when my representative picked up with in 30 seconds of placing the call.

Comcast Customer Care Representative:  Goodmorning, thank you for calling Comcast, this is Tim, how can I help you today?

Saki:  Hi, Tim!  Can I call you Tim?

Comcast Customer Care Representative:  Yes Ma'am.

Saki:  Great!  So Tim, this is what I need.  I want to get the sprout channel - I need one of those box thingies, yes?

Tim:  Yes Ma'am.  

Saki:  Okay then.  So how much will that set me back?

Tim:  Well, the normal box is $4 per month, the HD box is $8 per month, and the DVR box is $14 per month

Saki:  Okay, well, it doesn't matter, I want the littlest one you have.

Tim:  They're all the same size, Ma'am.

Saki:  No, they're not.

Tim:  Yes, Ma'am.  They are.

Saki:  But I already have a DVR box downstairs.  And it's big.

Tim:  Yes.

Saki:   . . .

Tim:  . . .

Saki:  So, put me down for one of those little ones.

Tim:  There are no little ones.

Saki:  Yes there are.

Tim:  No, Ma'am.  There are no little ones.

Saki:  Well, I'm from Jersey, and we have little ones there.

Tim:  I know.

Saki:  So, can I get one?

Tim:  No Ma'am.

Saki:  What?

Tim:  . . .

Saki:  I can't have one of the little Jersey boxes?

Tim:  No, Ma'am, it won't work in Virginia.

Saki:  Well, can't you like, order me one?  I go there all the time, I can pick it up.

Tim:  Yes, but it won't work in Virginia

Saki:  But I want one.

Tim:  I'm from Philly.  I want one too.  But you can't have one.  It won't work here.

Saki:  Oh. . .Okay, well, I don't know what to say right now, so I'm going to call you back, Tim.  

What the hell, you guys??  I don't have anywhere to put one of those big boxes!  Remember the days when you could give your cable guy a $20 and get HBO hooked up on the DL? Life should be so simple.  I'd totally slip a $20 to get a hot wired sprout channel!

Find a penny, pick it up...

..and you'll be a penny richer!

I've always been somewhat frugal (Stop your snickering.  I can hear you!  I am frugal, dammit).  I love sales, I love sales when I can combine them with coupons.  I love getting things for free, or close to it, and really, who doesn't?

Newspapers often run a section in the paper for people just like me.  They list things you can do for low or no cost in the general area.  Now, I am in the DC area, not the Boston area, but this might just be incentive to go take a drive up 95.  

25 Things to do in Boston for under $25

Oh yes, kids, that is our beloved Mike right there.  Not only is Mike something to do for under $25, Boston.com has him listed as free.  

Get him while he's hot, ladies!

There is Nothing Safe in this Room

White Wedding: Literal Video Version - watch more funny videos

Tally me bananas

Quite a while back, The Hubbin' and I watched a documentary on breastfeeding.  It talked about how the United States has such a ridiculous view on nursing children past infancy.  Since I nursed Cecilia for 26 months, the documentary was something I was interested in.  Throughout the program, they interviewed verbal children who still nurse, or could remember nursing.  One little girl remarked with a pronounced British accent "It tasted better than a thousand melons!"  

That remark, of course, became the running joke in our house anytime nursing was brought up.  Which, when you have a baby in the house, is at least every 45 minutes.  

But alas, the time comes in every baby's life that nursing must be supplemented with other types of foods.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends the introduction of solid foods into a baby's diet between 4-6 months.  Not wanting to mess with perfection, we wait until closer to 6 months or even a little later to start with "real" food.  

Lucas is eager to put the banana coated spoon into his mouth:  "Get into my mouth, spoon!"

"Uhhh...guys...."

"Oh God, it's worse than I thought, guys!  Blech!  Remove it!  Remove it!"

"PPBBLLTT!  Get out of my mouth bananas!"

"That didn't taste like a thousand melons at all."

"I mean really - WTF?"

"I, Lucas, do solemnly vow to never eat that again."

Lucas: 1

Bananas: 0

A long, long time ago

in a town far, far away. . .

My mother used to rule her roost completely.  She liked things shiny and clean, and she liked things where they belonged, and she really, really liked Christmastime.  As you can imagine, decorating for Christmas was a family affair, and a constant struggle to unpack the decorations, put them where they belonged, and keep the house shiny and clean all at the very same time.   She was kind of a tyrant about it.

One night, Samantha and I stayed up late sewing pleats into 30+ yards of red fabric to skirt around her platform where my mom sets up a little village.  We were miffed that we were the only ones up, because we were the only ones who could sew.  And so, we tied extra pieces of fabric around our heads and made up slave names for ourselves, and continued to wear our head garb throughout the rest of the week, slowly recruiting the rest of the family into our little clique.  Vinnie would come by, and tie his fabric on like tupac, while secretly rearranging the villagers on the platform, or making snowmen out of the fake snow.  

Christmas came and went, as it always does, but from that time on, anytime the sewing machine came out, so did our little do-rags.  

And you'll be pleased to know that i've carried on the tradition:

Word to yo' mutha.

Sewing mends the soul

I brought out the sewing machine, and look at what I did!

Fancypants inside lining:

One side:

Other side:

All modeled by my ever-so-patient husband, who was just so thrilled* to be wearing a girlie colored patchwork bag.

*thrilled = mortified

Be Mine

All those Mocha Lattes, you gotta do pilates

Dear World Gym,

I was sad to see that you purchased the gym that I have a membership to. While my old gym wasn't much to write home about, it was staffed with friendly people. Friendly, normal people. And it was patronized by friendly, normal people. Mostly moms. Moms who looked like moms and wore yoga pants and t-shirts that advertised their kids' t-ball team, or the local car wash, or their husbands company.

Now that you have usurped my gym, your patrons all wear tight outfits made out of some sort of creepy lycra that wicks perspiration off of the body and leaves it on the machines. Instead of the tranquil sounds of the yoga classes, there is the screams of pain as meatheads lift eighteen times their body weight with one hand, while sucking back a jug of muscle milk with the other.

And, speaking of my beloved, tranquil, yoga class - You took away the yoga mats and replaced them with machines that look as though they are made to torture those believed to be witches. What do you do with a contraption like that? Clearly, you are disturbed.

Also, we need to discuss the attitude of your elliptical machines.  If that miserable piece of metal tells me to "resume workout" one more time, I will lose my mind.  I highly suggest that you have a talk with it.  

Thank you,

Regards,

Saki with the sore body

Everything I know, I learned on the internets.

Life is a party...Dress up!

I told Cecilia to "Get ready for dinner."

And boy, did she ever. Homegirl knows how to decorate herself.

Hi, I'm a Mac

My list of resolutions

...all of which I have broken.

1. Take more photographs. Try to be in some of them
2. Keep in better contact with the people I care about
3. Drink more water and less other stuff (like coffee. Mmm...blessed, blessed coffee)
4. Stay not pregnant

Oh, I guess I've got that last one down. Thank you, Mirena.

And i also want to point out that I forgot to wish my blog readers a Merry Christmas, and other assorted holidays that happen this time of year. My apologies. Man, if my blog was city hall, there would've been riots what with me favoring the jews and all ;)

So tell me, what are your resolutions for the New Year? Anything grand? Have you stuck to them? Or am I the only New Years Heathen?

An Ode to My Children