Thursday, February 28, 2008

Tuesday, February 26, 2008


I don't know anybody who doesn't love a frappachino on a hot summer day.  In fact I heard that Starbucks is actually losing money simply because they can't make them fast enough.  People want them that badly - and they're not cheap, either.  You could feed a kid a kid in a refugee camp in Sudan for a whole week for what we spend on one grande mocha half caff no whip frappachino.

A whole week.

Seven days.

Not that anyone is going to skip their frosty treat to save a kid from starvation.  I mean, c'mon.  They're freakin' delicious.  

Monday, February 25, 2008

You know you're an over protective parent when...

This past week or so, Cecilia has taken to falling over for no apparent reason.  Inside or out, shoes, socks, barefoot; it didn't seem to matter.  She'd get truckin' and all of a sudden, she'd take a massive spill, often times clunking her head on the wall, floor, table, yadda yadda.  It kind of concerned me, because while I know and understand that toddlers fall, this was pretty new to her, and with  rather sudden onset.  Besides, this is my toddler we're talking about here.  Very different situation.  

So I made an appointment today to see her doctor, concerned that maybe there was fluid in her ears, or something was wrong with her eyes, and it was upsetting her equilibrium.  I just didn't know, but better safe than sorry, especially when it comes to my kid.

Off to the doctor we went.  Cecilia topped the scales at a whopping 24lbs, 8oz.  Quite the *chunker.  The doctor stripped her down to her pull up and socks, and gave her the good once over.  Checked eyes, ears, glands, legs, arms, joints, feet, the works.  Unconvinced by what she saw, she set Cecilia on the floor.  But the doctor made one tragic mistake. 

She left the baby on the exam table.  As the doctor was explaining to me what she was about to look for, Cecilia pushed the tiny child sized chair next to the adult chair, climbed both and scrambled onto the table, pulling the baby, and the beloved **Sippy Sips down.  

From there, she had Cecilia walk up and down the hallway, where upon reaching on end of the hall, she would spin on her heel, announce "Ready!  Set!  GO!" and promptly tear down the hall to the other end, baby and sippy sips in tow.  

Back in the exam room, the doctor said "While falling down is something that's not to be taken lightly, I think that it's related to anything bad in this case."  She went on to explain that she feels Cecilia's problem is this:  She's tiny.  She thinks she's big.  She acts accordingly.  She runs when she should walk, she flies when she should run, and in general, she's very physically advanced for her age, but just doesn't have the size to hold all of that up.  

In short, her diagnosis:  Runt.  

I also had to puff out my mom chest with pride when she said how excellent Cecilia's communication skills were, and that she sees 3 year olds who don't speak as well as she does.  I'm kinda surprised my head fit out the door.  

*By chunker i mean itty bitty.  She's in like the 5th percentile for weight

**The plastic bottle of orange juice...or some sort of creepy orange liquid that disappears into the nipple of the bottle when flipped upside down.  

Thursday, February 14, 2008


I've shamelessly stolen this from Megan.  I don't think she will mind, though, for we both revel in the mockery that is the iWhore

1 – Allow others to benefit from your iPhone

A man on the street asks you if you have the time. 

YOU: Sure.

Then you whip out your iPhone, hold it up high, waving it around so everyone can see its impressive "clock" function.

YOU: Anyone else need to know the time?!!! Because 

2 – Use your iPhone to save a life

You are on a date in a restaurant. A man is having a heart attack! 

YOU: Coming through! I'll take care of it! I'm an iPhone owner! 

Then you simultaneously call emergency services while accessing Wikipedia instructions on how to perform CPR. To keep the man's wife from panicking, you calm her down by showing her amusing videos of cats wearing silly hats.

DOCTOR: This iPhone owner is a hero! Without his amazing access to information and amusing videos of cats wearing silly hats, we'd have a dead man and a nervous wife. Instead, this couple will live happily ever after. Thank you iPhone Owner!

YOU: Oh, I was just doing what any super cool iPhone owner would do.

3 – Use your iPhone as it was meant to be used... as fashion

Why wear your iPhone on your waist when you can attach it to a headband and wear it on your forehead?

4 – Share your iPhone's information

At the bar, a guy asks you if the local sports team won today.

YOU: Hold on, I'll check that out for you on my brand new amazing iPhone... Sorry, for the delay, I just got my amazing iPhone and I'm still trying to learn all of the amazing iPhone iFeatures... where is News?... Music... Videos... Email... Phone... Crème Brulee recipes... Time Machine... darn this amazing iPhone!

5 – Use your iPhone to fight crime

WOMAN: A man is holding up the Convenience Store owner with a gun!

YOU: No worries ma'am, I am an iPhone owner. I'll simply call 9-1-1... now I'll walk into the store... and take the perpetrator's photo. And... email it to the police.

ROBBER: Stick 'em up or I'll blow you away!

YOU: I own an iPhone.

ROBBER: Really? Wow!

YOU: I know. iPhone says you are suffering from feelings of inadequacy caused by your father's constant belittling of you as a child.

ROBBER: iPhone is right!

YOU: iPhone says there is a support group for your issue approximately 2.9 miles southwest of here.

ROBBER (wiping away tears): Thank you, iPhone owner.

YOU: Of course.

ROBBER: Now I'm going to shoot you and take your iPhone!

YOU: I'm sorry, but I'm going to zap you with 50,000 volts.

ROBBER: Aaaaaaaaaaah!!! 

YOU: The iPhone has a hidden stun-gun feature.

CONVENIENCE STORE OWNER: Thank you, my friend!

YOU: It's my privilege to serve the community. While waiting for the police to arrive, would you like to listen to some U2?

There she is. Sitting there at the bar. Time to make your move. But what do  you say? You start to get a little nervous. Then you remember. "Oh yeah. I have a new iphone. And some oh so witty pick up lines." You relax. You walk up to her casually and say:

I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock. Plus I have an iphone!

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put u and iphone together.

Hey baby. iphone you tomorrow?

Hi. My friend over there bet you wouldn't let me google you on our first date. So what do you say? I'll buy you a drink. You can even google me back. My iphone battery is big and strong and fully charged up, so we could google all night.

Did you know my iphone is also a remote control? Let's go somewhere remote and you can have control.

Hi there angel. Did it hurt when you fell from heav- oh, sorry, I'm getting a call on my new iphone…. Oh, it was Saint Peter. He said have a great time on your trip to Earth, and don't worry about being good- they won't keep score up there while you are on leave.

I AM happy to see you but that's just an iphone in my pocket.

Hi there. Wanna use your fingers to enlarge my pixel size?

Is your dad a thief? Because if he is, I'll keep my new iphone hidden when you introduce him to me next Saturday.

I think I need to call Heaven- on my new iphone- because they lost one of their angels.

I forgot my phone number. Can I have yours? I'll store it in my new iphone.

Excuse me- I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your place? Let me just open up Google maps in my iphone.

How much does my new iphone weigh? Enough to break the ice. Can I enter in your phone number?

You know, inheriting 50 million dollars doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart, even if you have a four houses, two islands and a brand new iphone like this one.

Excuse me, did you just call me on my iphone? Then I guess it wasn't my phone that was vibrating in my pocket.

When Chuck Norris goes to sleep, he checks its closet for the iphone. Too bad he didn't look under the bed.

The iphone can taser your enemies so hard that it can actually alter their DNA. Decades from now, their descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What the hell was that?"

If you can see the iphone, it can see you. If you can't see the iphone, you may be only seconds away from instant death.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Incredible Hulk. When the Incredible Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.  When Chuck Norris gets mad, he still is very, very, very polite to his iphone.

The iphone has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true, if you want to call the iphone a giant meteor.

The iphone does not follow fashion trends, they follow it. But then it turns around and tasers them. NOBODY follows the iphone.

If you ask the iphone what time it is, it always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" it tasers you in the face.

Insurance companies can no longer afford to offer insurance protection against "Acts of iphone".

The iphone can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. Before you have decided to play.

Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… These are some of the iphone's subscription features.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players that have touched an iphone.

When someone with an iphone is crossing the street, the cars have to look both ways.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that the iphone didn't kill you in your sleep.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep the iphone out. But NOTHING can keep the iphone out.If the iphone had been around, you wouldn't have heard of David or Goliath because it would have tasered both of their asses.

The iphone does not sleep. It waits.

What was going through the minds of all of the iphone's victims before they died? An iphone.

The iphone uses a language that incorporates taser shots and sudden temperature changes. So the next time the iphone is totally kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, it may be just trying to tell you it likes your hat.

In a recent survey it was discovered that 56% of women whose romantic partners had an iphone reported asking their lovers to bring their iphone with them to bed. And then asking them to leave.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

To Whom It May Concern...

Dear Dairy Products,

Oh how I miss thee.  I count the days until we can be together again, with no one coming between us.  Only 214 more days.   

Your Beloved Saki


Dear Lactaid,

Fuck You.

No, really.  Fuck You.



Dear Yoga Pants,

Don't tell Dairy Products, but you have become my new favorite thing in life.  

With Love Always,
The Very Comfortable Saki

Friday, February 01, 2008

In the land of oil

This morning, one of CNN's headliners was this story, regarding the ridiculous profiting of Exxon.  According to the report, Exxon is netting $1,300 per second.  In case you were wondering, that is the highest profit ever shown by any U.S. company.  

Nineteen years ago, due to gross negligence, one of Exxon's ships, the Valdez, was responsible for spilling eleven million gallons of crude oil into Prince William Sound.  Not only was this the largest oil spill ever to occur in U.S. waters, it is considered one of the biggest ecological disasters in the world because of the amount of coastline affected, and the massive loss of aquatic and marine life.  
Being coated with oil, the birds and other wildlife lose their ability to not only retain heat, but also to remain buoyant on the surface of the water.  In an attempt to cleanse themselves, the animals then ingested the crude oil spilled, resulting in a slow death of dehydration and starvation.  Rendered flightless, birds washed out to sea with the currents, unable to save themselves
You may have been comforted by those groups that "clean" the birds after a spill.  Or maybe you even remember those Dawn dish detergent commercials, depicting friendly faced volunteers happily scrubbing an oily duck.  Do you know what that process entails?  First, they catch the bird and then bring it to their facility.  Step two is "purging the bird," which is about as pleasant as it sounds.  A hose is shoved down it's throat and the bird is pumped full of a solution until all of the ingested oil has been shot out the other end.  Many don't make it through this process.  The survivors are then scrubbed, dried, scrubbed, dried, scrubbed, dried, until all of the oil has been removed.  This process, however, also removes the birds natural oils which help it to float and maintain body temperature.  So the clean birds are placed together in a giant temperature regulated room until their body produces enough natural oils for them to be returned to the wild. . . .Which is still covered in oil because 11 million gallons doesn't just clean itself up.

In fact, trying to remove crude oil from the shoreline has been compared to "trying to sop butter up off of a toasted english muffin."  The crevices and the pores just can not be fully cleaned and returned to their original state.  It will never be the same.  No amount of Dawn detergent, no amount of friendly faced volunteers will return it to it's natural state.  Scientists have estimated that as little as 10% of the oil spilled was actually retrieved.  

But I digress, I am getting off of my original topic.  Exxon was ordered to pay billions of dollars in punitive damages.  Now, I am not a fan of fixing mistakes with a wad of cash.  However, loss of natural beauty and wildlife aside, the Alaskan shore communities thrive on fishing.  It's their livelihood.  And it was ripped from beneath them because of Exxon.  Families were suddenly without income.  Their businesses, their boats, their homes, were oil soaked and destroyed.  

Nineteen years have passed now.  Long enough for children to have been born, grown, and graduate from high school.  Long enough for boats to have been scrapped, or replaced.  Long enough for marriages, divorces, and career changes.  Long enough for a good number of those fishermen from that maritime community to die in one of the many ways life and their chosen occupation offer. 

If you're still as angry as I am, drop Exxon a line, and tell them that this has been going on for nineteen years too long
Exxon Mobile
5959 Las Colinas Boulevard 
Irving, Texas 75039-2298 
(972) 444-1000