Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
This. Is. Brilliant.
I live the gay lifestyle, the gay lifestyle that is often mentioned by some Republican candidates for president. For those who are unfamiliar with the lifestyle, this is a typical day:
7:00 a.m. I wake up, and just as I have done every morning since puberty, I choose to be gay today. This will come as a great relief to my gay, homosexual, male lover who lies beside me. Because being gay is a choice, our relationship is a gamble day to day. Even though we have both chosen to remain gay and to be together every day for the past 16 years, we never take anything for granted. One of us just might throw in the towel one day and give up the lifestyle.
7:30 a.m. I take a gay shower and let the gay water rinse off my gay body.
8:00 a.m. I have a gay breakfast of cereal with milk, and a good, strong, gay cup of coffee. I am fortified for another day of ruining the fabric of American society.
9:00 a.m. I start my morning shift as a gay hospital volunteer. The hospital is not gay, just me. The patients are mostly normal people. But it is OK. The hospital has a rule that all volunteers must sanitize their hands before meeting with patients. This is to avoid spreading germs, but I think that hand sanitizer is also effective in stopping the transfer of my gayness to other people.
12:00 p.m. I return home, eat a gay lunch and take my gay dogs for a walk. Well, I am not sure if the dogs are actually gay. I have heard it said that homosexuality does not exist in the animal kingdom because it is not natural, so chances are that the dogs are not gay. But because they live with me and my gay, homosexual, male lover, they are perceived by others to be gay. I would feel bad about this, but the fact is that I need these dogs. They are the closest that I will ever come to having actual children, because, as everyone knows, gays should not (and cannot) have children. I push this out of my mind as I walk the dogs gaily through the neighborhood.
1:00 p.m. I teach classes at a small, prestigious, liberal arts college. I am a gay college professor. The college is not gay, just me. But some may view the college as way too liberal, because “sexual orientation” is listed within the college’s anti-discrimination policy. This basically means that the college turns a blind eye as I infect the impressionable students with my gayness on a daily basis. I do not teach anything particularly gay in my classes. I am a theater professor, which, for all intents and purposes, is gay to most people, anyway.
6:00 p.m. My gay, homosexual, male lover returns home from his job. Luckily, he has chosen to be gay today, too, so we can sit down and have a nice, relaxing gay dinner together. We are aware that our relationship is ripping at the seams of our heterosexual neighbors’ marriages, but we choose to ignore this. If we were normal people, the guilt might weigh on us heavily, but we are gay, after all, so we do not have consciences. We eat in peace.
8:00 p.m. We go gay bowling at our Suburban Gay Bowling League. There are quite a lot of us homosexuals who gather each week to bowl at our local bowling alley. This makes the normal suburban bowlers uncomfortable, but we do not care. Some of them are openly hostile to us. The more polite ones just stare at us. It makes us feel like we are caged, exotic animals in a zoo. But we count ourselves lucky because the alley owners have sold out. They allow us to bowl here because they are desirous of our ample, disposable gay income. Ah, the almighty dollar! The owners show mercy on the normal suburbanites, though, by putting a buffer zone of two vacant lanes between our gay league and them. We are respectful of this line, which we call the “edge of gayness,” and do not cross it. We try to tone down our gaiety and frivolity by focusing intently on our bowling. The normal suburbanites never venture past their side of the line, either, because it would be unimaginable to them to interact with us.
11:00 p.m. My gay, homosexual, male lover and I collapse from the weariness of the gay lifestyle we have been living today. All of this subversive loving, volunteering, working, eating, playing and socializing is exhausting. Some say the gay lifestyle is self-enslavement, but we just cannot think about that now. Before we fall asleep, we each take out our personal, leather-bound copies of The Gay Agenda. The Gay Agenda is our Bible. We do not look at the real Bible because we are gay and therefore have no religion or morality. We read and strategize how we can best destroy American society tomorrow. Sharing a good, hardy, gay laugh, we each fall into a sound, gay sleep.
Wednesday, November 09, 2011
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
Monday, November 07, 2011
Sunday, November 06, 2011
...And any other politician who would like to acquire my vote. I have written to Senator Colgan, Congressman Jerry Connolly, and Delegate Luke Torian, both of whom are on the ballot this year.
Senator Colgan,We are writing to you today to ask for your assistance with a serious matter my family is facing. We have been residents of Virginia since 2004. My husband and I have two children; Cecilia, aged 5, and Lucas, aged 3. Our problem is with the medical care for Lucas, who has been diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome late last year and most recently been diagnosed with autism. He has global developmental delays, and currently wears leg braces on both legs. He uses a pediatric medical walker for longer distances. His afflictions are treatable, and with properly managed care he can live a fairly normal life. We want desperately to give him that chance.Currently, our whole family is covered under an insurance policy provided by my husbands employer. This policy provides for 40 therapy sessions each calendar year for physical and occupational therapy combined. As of this date we have already exhausted our therapy sessions allotted for 2011. Lucas attends various therapy sessions each week now at a cost to us of over $400 per week. This is not a situation that will be resolved once the new policy year begins, it will just repeat, as Lucas will require such treatment for the foreseeable future. As with many childhood disorders, early and aggressive treatment of autism, and the many debilitating conditions associated with it, is paramount to successfully allowing the child to live a normal life. To not provide this care is to condemn him to life we don’t really want to consider. Ongoing physical therapy is essential to strengthen his muscles and protect his fragile joints and connective tissue from a lifetime of painful dislocations and subluxations.My husbands employer has provided a very generous insurance policy for their employees and their families. However, in our case we are experiencing some severe medical costs. Recognizing the special nature of autism and the need for extended therapy sessions, the State of Virginia mandates publicly offered insurance policies to provide unlimited habilitation therapy sessions for a diagnosis of autism, regardless of what other session limits may apply to other diagnoses. Unfortunately, MITRE has negotiated a self-funded contract with Aetna Insurance, which places a cap at 40 sessions, with no possibility to appeal for more visits.We have been working with the Human Resources department and with our insurance company to try to work out a solution. Although we all agree that there is a need for assistance, we have been told that it is not possible to cover these costs through the policy. We have received, and continue to receive, some benefits from state and county organizations, but it does not fill the gap. Lucas has aged out of the county PIE program, and is on the wait list to be evaluated by the public school system. They hope to be able to evaluate him before the close of 2011. The ARC, Easter Seals, Autism Speaks, and United Healthcare Childrens’ Foundation have all been very helpful so far, but none have been able to help us with a solution to the insurance coverage issues. We have been denied by Social Security due to income requirements.We are respectfully asking for your help in several ways. While we understand that healthcare issues are a very heavy issues for politicians, we ask that you take a stand for the special needs citizens of Virginia, and help fill the gaps of the current situation.If the mandate would encompass all insurance policies, rather than just those that are publicly funded, then all children would be able to receive the services that they need and deserve. We know that ours is not a unique case, and that there are countless other families struggling in the same way we are. Given the seriousness and prevalence of Autism and Autism Spectrum Disorders, we firmly believe that changing the provisions of the mandate would be tremendously beneficial to the children in our state.Respectfully,