Wednesday, April 27, 2005

No, really, we'll be just fine.

"False Alarm Sends Bush To Underground Shelter"
WASHINGTON (AP) -- Fears that an unidentified aircraft had entered restricted space near the White House prompted security officials to move President Bush from the Oval Office to an underground shelter Wednesday

While the rest of us schmucks just sit around and twiddle our thumbs. No need to evacuate tall buildings, no need to warn the public, everything will be fine because Bush. Is. Safe.


Dads Bike

Dads Bike
Originally uploaded by lilmissimpatient.
Here's Dad on his new bike. uberfancy with his little bag things and chopper wheels.

Captain America and Billy

Dad and Uncle Ed in their fancy new riding gear. Or, as I like to call them, Captain America, and Billy.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Only in Horseshoes

"U.S.: Raid almost netted Iraqi terror leader"


That's like close.

But better.

How do things that almost happen get headline news? "Plane almost crashes - But it's okay now" Almost doesn't cut it in life. Could you imagine telling your boss "I almost made deadline." What would his reply be? "Great job, Joe Buttonpusher! Almost is good enough for me!" Or telling your wife "I was almost faithful to you." Would she respond "At least you tried, Dear"


So why is it okay that almost news is headline. I think we, as a people, are supposed to get worked up about this almost, because when they almost catch him, they almost catch Bin Laden. And when we almost catch Bin Laden, we can almost pull out of Afghanistan. Almost.

That's like close.

But not really.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Have You Seen My Handbasket?

Originally uploaded by lilmissimpatient.
Am I the only one who sees the resemblance between Grandpa Munster and the new Pope?

Saturday, April 23, 2005

But do they LOOK successful?

E-Mails Hurt IQ More Than Pot

LONDON, England -- Workers distracted by phone calls, e-mails and text messages suffer a greater loss of IQ than a person smoking marijuana, a British study shows.

The constant interruptions reduce productivity and leave people feeling tired and lethargic, according to a survey carried out by TNS Research and commissioned by Hewlett Packard.

The survey of 1,100 Britons showed:

Almost two out three people check their electronic messages out of office hours and when on holiday
Half of all workers respond to an e-mail within 60 minutes of receiving one
One in five will break off from a business or social engagement to respond to a message.
Nine out of 10 people thought colleagues who answered messages during face-to-face meetings were rude, while three out of 10 believed it was not only acceptable, but a sign of diligence and efficiency.
But the mental impact of trying to balance a steady inflow of messages with getting on with normal work took its toll, the UK's Press Association reported.

In 80 clinical trials, Dr. Glenn Wilson, a psychiatrist at King's College London University, monitored the IQ of workers throughout the day.

He found the IQ of those who tried to juggle messages and work fell by 10 points -- the equivalent to missing a whole night's sleep and more than double the 4-point fall seen after smoking marijuana.

"This is a very real and widespread phenomenon," Wilson said. "We have found that this obsession with looking at messages, if unchecked, will damage a worker's performance by reducing their mental sharpness.

"Companies should encourage a more balanced and appropriate way of working."

Wilson said the IQ drop was even more significant in the men who took part in the tests.

"The research suggests that we are in danger of being caught up in a 24-hour 'always on' society," said David Smith of Hewlett Packard.

"This is more worrying when you consider the potential impairment on performance and concentration for workers, and the consequent impact on businesses."

Friday, April 22, 2005

Too Much Info

Name three unique sounds you hear everyday- The squeal of the fishtank bubbler, The dog snorting, My Material Girl cell phone ringer

You get out of bed in the morning. What’s the very first thing you do- Stretch

What was the last meal you ate- Chicken noodle soup and a grilled cheese. Total comfort.

What’s the latest album in your collection? I haven't bought a CD in forever. But I did just pirate Me-n-Julio off of Acquisition

What were you doing exactly 10 minutes ago? Thinking about three unique sounds I hear everyday

After you finish this survey, what will you do? Go to sleep. Pathetic

What’s your favorite pun? Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, and this produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Finally, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.....In other words: A Super-Calloused-Fragile-Mystic-Hexxed-by-Halitosis. Yuckyuck

What’s the most common thing someone says to you when you tell them your major/what you do for a living - OOHH!! English!! Gonna teach?!?!

What’s the one food that people claim to love and, for the life of you, you can’t understand why- Hummus. Ew.

Which cancelled TV show would you most like to see reinstated- Golden Girls

What’s the most fun thing to do on a leather couch- Anything except sit on it for a long period of time in shorts. ouch..

You can make one item of clothing illegal. What would you ban- Men's Loafers with those stupid tassles on them..That's shoes, but it's my blog, and I say it's an acceptable answer.

You’re a circus performer. What kind- The lady with the pretty feathers and sparkly outfit that rides the white horse. Or, if it's a carnival, I'll be the fortune teller.

You can be a guest on any TV show. Which one and why- Ellen, I'd love to dance thru the intro with her

Describe the weirdest encounter you’ve had with a stranger- Well, once i saw a car on a hot summer's a parking lot of a restaurant, with two muzzled greyhounds inside. The windows were cracked about an inch...I said loudly to my father "UGH! What kind of JACKASS leaves their dogs in the car to go have lunch? I mean REALLY?!" The man walking behind me cleared his throat and loudly said "THIS Jackass" Whoops. I almost felt bad. Almost.

Which one is longer: your big toe or your second toe- My second toe.

Which finger do you think is the most dispensable- Pinky, i guess. But I like all my fingers. I almost decided my middle finger was the most dispensible. WHAT was i THINKING???

What normal bodily function do you find most interesting- Laughs. Everyone has such a different laugh. And they're so contagious

Which activity could you go without for the longest: showering, brushing your teeth, or shaving- Shaving...But not for too long

In the movie about your life, what song is playing during the credits- Desperado

What’s one song you want played at your funeral- Iris

What’s the last sentence in your favorite book- "Then, with a profound and deeply willed desire to beleive, to be heard, she said the necessary prayers for the soul of Micheal Corleone."

List three items you would have buried with you when you die- My wedding ring, A Picture of My Family, and my rosary

Who would you most like to haunt as a ghost- My husband :)

Bring on the OIL!!

Today is Earth Day. Did you know that? I bet you didn't. A headline buried deep in the crevices of cnn announces:

"Bush Cancels Earth Day


Well then. If THAT isn't a glimpse into the future, I just don't know what is.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Here comes the story of the Hurricane

Today is one of those dreary dark outside days. It's not really raining, just spitting a little. But it's dark. I hate having to turn lights on at 1 in the afternoon.

I'm having a strange out of my body day today. Maybe it's because I slept last night. Last night was the first night in months that I curled up in bed, and fell asleep without the anxious nausea creeping out of my belly and into my chest. It was the first night I fell asleep without my fingernails digging into the palm of my hands. It was the first night I stayed asleep the whole night, without violent empty dreams ripping me out of sleep. It was the first night in a long time.

For the longest time I felt swept up in this hurricane. Not really going anywhere, just spiraling down closer and closer into center. And the center is where all hell breaks loose.

Maybe this is it, you know? Maybe the worst is over, and I've dealt with whatever it is that's causing all of that. Maybe I can finally start dragging myself back up after sliding down for so long.

Maybe this is just the eye of the storm.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Paging Abby Normal...

So, i had my surgery follow up today. I'm not abnormal, thank god. But in the same breath, she told me i'm "not normal either." I'm INFLAMED. Sounds exotic.

The doctor accused me of going into the sun without sunscreen. Well, I guess it's not an accusation if that's what I did. But I'm innocent until proven guilty, god dammit. She says I should wear sunscreen everyday, all days, and a floppy hat. Fuggedabout the sunscreen, but I'm all about the floppy hat. I TRIED to buy one yesterday, but I wasn't allowed.

Buy me a hat?

Monday, April 18, 2005

In which I hang my head in shame

The time has come for me to admit something....I suppose I've known it for a while, but I've just been in denial. Here goes:

I am a bad driver.

There. I said it.

Today, while on my way to see the vacuum cleaner fix-it guy, I sat at a red light fidgeting with my iPod; all I wanted to do was hear Bruce belt out "badlands", that's not too much to ask, is it? Well, the light turned green, and I gently pressed the gas, one hand on the wheel, the other on scrolling the 'pod, eyes no where near the road. Up and over the curb I went. Thump. THUMP. Down the curb i went, still half holding the wheel.

With badlands blasting out of my radio, I tried to settle the iPod into my little iPod holder, but dropped it on the floor. Again, one hand on the wheel, the other frantically searching the floor for my iPod. Coming up victorious, I realized I was half between lanes, and swerved back into my original lane to the tune of the SUV behind me honking it's horn.

Faster than I could stick my middle finger out the sunroof, it hit me. I am in fact, a bad driver. I am the driver that I complain to other drivers about. I am the one on my cell phone. I am the one more interested in the iPod that the steering wheel. I am the one who slams on her breaks for no apparent reason. I am the one who sits at a light for 30 seconds after it has turned green because I forgot I was driving.

I am a bad driver.

For shame, Casey, for shame.

Friday, April 15, 2005

For your viewing pleasure...

This: made me laugh. Alot.

Not so much new to report. Dad got a motorcycle. I don't think he really wanted one. But my mom doesn't want to ride alone, so she turned on the tears until he bought one. Rumor has it that it's red. Red! Having a hard time envisioning my dad on a motorcycle. My mom has always been a tought bitch. My father tends to gravitate more towards the "lets save the environment in bellbottoms and listen to lots of music, man" side of life. Should be interesting.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Things I Would Never Tell My Mother

That B- in Chemistry
Was actually
a D+

Last Sunday, when you called,
I told you I was on my way to Church
And couldn't talk.
I was actually too hung over
To even speak.

I got a boot on my car.
I took the boot off.
All by myself.
It's in the closet now
Underneath a blanket
And the sweater
Grampa gave me last year
For Christmas.

I found your Hookah
Under cobwebs
In the attic.
I smoked out of it.

I had my first taste of liquor
At 13.

I had my first taste of sex
At 15.

I see your face
On my body
And that makes me

I love the way you
Me with pride in your eyes,
But that didn't stop me
From borrowing your truck
While you were
To pick up a keg
To bring to a party.

All those nights
You thought I was sleeping at Theresa's
With Theresa's
Ears in range
I actually slept
Everywhere but.

When I broke my knee at Mike's house,
I didn't fall down
Rain covered front porch steps.
I tripped over my own two feet
And fell on marble flooring
And later down the steps
After eight-too-many
Vodka cranberries.

I wore your anntique earrings
To school once, and lost one.
I put the earring back
In the jewelery box.
And now you think
You lost it.
But you didn't.

And I would never, ever tell you
That I filled 12 verses of poetry
With things I would never tell you.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

My Mom's Harley

Originally uploaded by lilmissimpatient.

Paranoia Paranoia

Everybody's coming to get me.

I don't know why it is, but I always think that everything is always all about me (and really, what isn't?). Could I get any more egotistical?

Today, while walking Guido, the new woman on the bottom floor has a little fence that goes from her sliding glass door, all the way to the sidewalk. Now, it's totally possible that the LawnMen put it there to protect their new sod. But, I, of course, assume this is a personal attack against myself and my dog. Said neighbor is obviously irritated that I let Guido dash across her lawn in an attempt to get to his favorite peeing tree ASAP, and constructed a little white fence. None of the other yards have fences. Now there will be awkwardness in the evening when everyone is outside walking their dogs.

Yesterday, my mother and I were on the phone. She says "I ran into Mrs. Victor the other day." After the usual how is she, what is she up to, yadda yadda, i ask "Did she ask about me?"

D.R.A.M.A.T.I.C. P.A.U.S.E.


Now, the average person would take this at face value. But I, in my vain little mind, swear up and down that she did in fact talk about me. And said not nice things. Afterall, i DID cut her from the Wedding Guest list when the list grew out of control. My mother must have just been trying to protect my feelings.

Just say you never met me.

Monday, April 11, 2005


According to CNN:

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Police on Monday tackled and forcibly dragged away a man with two suitcases who had stationed himself in front of the west side of the U.S. Capitol.

The incident had forced police to evacuate that side of the Capitol in fear of a possible explosion.

Police, some armed with assault rifles, moved in slowly behind the man, who was dressed in black and faced the Capitol from a plaza below its west entrance. Crouching behind the wall, the police sprang up and ran at the man, who never moved.

He was tackled by two policemen, dragged to an ambulance and taken away. Police left the suitcases behind.

Some spectators applauded as police dragged the man away.

Before the standoff ended, Capitol police spokesman Michael Lauer said the man had not said anything to police.

Among the officials whose offices are on the west side of the Capitol looking out upon the National Mall are House Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-Illinois, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-Tennessee, and Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nevada.

So, lemme get this straight. A man having a fat day decided to wear slimming black to work today. He silently pauses to drink in the spring sun and sets his briefcase down. The SWAT Team with assault rifles charge him, toss him in an ambulance, and take him "away." WHAT AM I MISSING HERE????? Thank god Harry Reid D-Nevada is okay though. God damn loiterers.

News Update brought to you by MSNBCasey

Letters I've Been Meaning Send.

Dear Apple Computer Company,

Your repairmen suck. Why, praytell, has my poor iBook been through 3 (yes, ladies and gentlemen, one, two THREE!) Hard-drives, 3 (Yes, folks, again t-h-r-e-e) logicboards, a new power supply pack, a new screen, new memory and still, three months, and 400$ later, it still sucks. It was fine 'til you tried to fix it.
Dear Eureka Vacuum Cleaner Company,

I do not care what your phone specialist says. A smoking vacuum is not a good vacuum. Fix it. Now.
Dear Citizens of the State of Virginia,

We must revolt now against these rediculous red-light cameras. We fair citizens can no longer afford Fifty Dollars for being in the box at the change of the light. I urge you to make your voice heard. WE WILL NOT TAKE IT ANY LONGER!

P.S.- Your driving is atrocious. Shape up.
Dear Apartment 202,

I hate your children. I hate your children and your cooking. I understand that in some cultures, fish for breakfast is normal. Maybe even a delicacy. But really, do you leave the raw fish on the counter all night? Is it fermented when you cook it? Stop stinking the whole building. And now, about your devil children. Shoes look cute on children. Dress shoes look cute on little girls. Tap dress shoes on hardwood floors is absolutely unneccessary, and downright obnoxious. Living above you, when your beast-children run, the crystal jiggles in the hutch, the dog trembles and the whole apartment shakes. I can only imagine what the people below you feel like.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

...And also with you...

Went to church today with Lupus. The Italian Deacon presided, which makes it really hard to pay attention to church. Anyway, this is my beef with church. You sit in church with at least 500 other people, you welcome one another in with smiles and hellos, you take communion with them, then, you shake their hand, smile, and tell them "peace be with you." When, what you really mean is "peace be with you until we get out in the parking lot, and then you're on you're own, asswipe."

Why is it that church parking lots become so insane. It's worse than the beach traffic in summer. It's worse than mall traffic at Christmas. It's asinine. A parking lot filled with holier-than-thou's scrambling to get the eff out of there, having fulfilled their weekly social obligation. Would it kill you to stay and listen to the last song? It just might.

People shoving themselves against the church doors the second they hear the words "go in peace." It's like the way words gush out of a fool's mouth.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Biker Bitch

So, my mom bought a Harley. This worries me. Excessively.

#1- My mom (to the best of my knowledge) has not been on a motorcycle since her twenties. That makes her bad-ass bike babe days well over a quarter century ago. I know, I know, "you never forget how to ride a bike." However, something tells me that by "bike" the prophets meant banana seats and pedal brakes.

#2- My mom can't see. Since the Bone Marrow Transplant/mucho radiation, it has shot her eyesight. She has AT LEAST six hundred forty-eight thousand pairs of glasses, each one stronger than the next, and none keep her from squinting to see street signs. Which brings me to

#3- My mom is a terrible driver. She has this little XTerra. It's a sporty little rugged jeep like truck with giant knobby tires meant for offroading. (Because everyone in Suburbia needs a vehicle thats meant to navigate arctic tundra.) She blames the traffic. I blame the fact that she's always right. And people who are always right, always have the right of way. Or so they think. A blinker has yet to be invented that my mom couldn't ignore. Thank God for Oh Shit handles.

#4- Motocycles in general worry me. Not that I don't think that they're hot - they are. But truth be told, people are nuts on the road. And two tires with the gastank a mere 4 inches below your crotch doesn't hold the same safety appeal as a tank-like buick. Aside from that, I like the fact that should I, God forbid, get into an accident, a giant squishy air filled pillow will hit me in the face. Let's see asphault make the same offer.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Well, here I am, welcoming myself back into the world of online journaling. Not that anyone will read it - and to be honest, it kind of bugs me out that people read my diary. Kinda like when mom finds the diary under the matress...but without the grounding.

Getting settled in VA. It's so different here. A totally different mentality. I miss the beach. I miss beach kids. Beach kids in their flip flops, with salt crusted curls in their hair, and sand between their toes. I miss the laid back atmosphere. I really miss the summer.

Not that Virginia is bad. These cherry trees kind of have this thing going for them. There's a giant cherry tree outside our dining room (ha!) window. It's nice, like a big ball of cotton candy, but better smelling. When the wind blows, it makes it snow pink. I can't think of anything more fabulous. Except, maybe, for the things I miss as stated above.

I had surgery yesterday. It hurts like a mofo. I also got a stern talking to from a doughy little woman. "Pale is pretty," she said. Mmhm...if you're a cockatiel...or a marshmallow. And i don't aspire to be either, now please pass me the tanning oil.