Monday, March 13, 2006

Your Call Is Very Important To Us

While sitting on the phone with C.L.U.E. (which is the Comprehensive Loss Underwriting Exchange for those of you not in the know) for the umpteenth hour, I had a revelation.

I think that somewhere in Middle America...Wyoming maybe, I haven't worked out all the details...H'anyway. Somewhere in Middle America, there is a call center that fields every single customer service call ever placed. This universal call center, which services such operations as the health insurance companies, government agencies, the phone company, all credit cards, computer help, and the DMV, is staffed by the following ten employees:

1. The Surfer- "Uhh...Um..Yeah, Like, I'd like TOTALLY like to help you out with that dude, but uhh, yeah, hold on"
2. The Vally Girl- "Like, Ohmigod, I SO can't believe that we billed that wrong! Hold on, I'll fix it for you fer shure" all punctuated with snaps of her bubble gum
3. Gramdma Moses- "..............thank..........you...........for..........calling..........my......name........is..............."
4. The Rocket Scientist- "The reason that you aren't reaching the solution that you are seeking is because the quadratic formula when applied to Satan's theory doesn't mesh up with the XY coordinates of the pythagorean theorum"
5. The Newbie from Calcutta- No one is ever quite sure what the newbie from Calcutta is saying
6. The Whisperer - No one is ever quite sure what the whisperer is saying either, because she talks so low you have to squish the phone to one ear while plugging the other with your finger
7. The Web Junkie- "The answer to all of your questions can be found on www dot.."
8. The Liar - "That problem has already been fixed, and in fact, you'll be getting a refund shortly"
9. The Terminally Stupid- Alot like the surfer, minus the charm and the tan "uh...um...so...your question is about...um...what did you say again?"
10. The Supervisor- This person may or may not actually exist. No one has ever been able to get a supervisor on the phone to discuss the reason for calling. I almost got to talk to one, once, but the call was mysteriously disconnected. What an odd coincidence.


Being quite pleased with my new theory, I decided that I need reasons to validate my ideas.

For starters, my theory would explain why it takes 90 minutes to reach a live person. With only nine people actually answering phones, and one elusive supervisor floating around, no wonder it takes so long to connect.

Second of all, it would explain that no matter what company's customer service I call into, I get the same nine idiots who can't help me.

Disprove me. I dare you :)

1 comment:

lauren e said...

poopy, i miss your blog. post! :)

and now that i am insured we are sooooo hanging out this weekend. must. hang. SOON. i have not harassed evan in far too long.

oh! and you need to see my new bedspread! it's beautious.

love you...