You never know just how you look through other peoples eyes

I signed onto Amazon today to try to find the elusive Glo-E bear for Cecilia for her birthday (which, by the way, is sold out.  Everywhere.  Of course it is.  FML.) and I was greeted by the ever-so-friendly "Welcome Saki!  We have recommendations for you!"

Recommendations, you say?  Having nothing better to do at the moment* I clicked to find out what my recommendations were.  According to Amazon, these are the things I need in my life:

1.  A 40 piece bit assortment

2.  A Leatherman multitool**

3.  A makita 18 volt compact drill

4.  Gillette Mach 3 cartridge 12 count

5.  Nintendo DS game system

6.  Tin-Man 2 disk collectors edition DVD set

7.  Victorinox Swiss Army Pocket Knife

8.  Fancy Nancy Bonjour Butterfly (hardcover)

9.  Rockabye: From Wild to Child (paperback)

10.  Holocaust Testimonies:  The Ruins of Memory (paperback)

Please join me in asking "What the fuck?"  Who exactly does Amazon think I am?  

* read: since I was avoiding cleaning the kitchen

**  Heh.. "multitool" makes me larf.  

Cooking with Saki

Hi, kids!  Today we're going to be making homemade yogurt.  So get your birkenstocks on and head to the store, because you will need:

8 cups of whole milk.  You can use organic (we did!) milk, but make sure that it is not "ultra-pasteurized"

1/2 cup of plain yogurt with live, active cultures.  Again, you can use organic (we did!)

a crockpot

a heavy bath towel

Pour milk into the crock pot, and set it to low.  Cook for two and a half hours.  When time is up, turn off your crock pot, and let it sit for three hours.  No peeking!  When three hours have passed, remove two cups of the warm milk and whisk it with your store bought yogurt until it's well blended.  Pour everything back into the crock pot, and whisk it together until it's good and mixed.  Put the lid back on, and wrap the entire crock pot up in the bath towel.  Now go away for 8 hours.  Seriously.  Don't touch it.  Go to sleep, or go to work, or go somewhere - resist the urge to peek inside.

When 8 hours are up, you will have yogurt!  It will be kind of watery.  If you like thicker yogurt, chill it in the fridge overnight and in the morning, strain through a cheese cloth.  The end result will be thick, creamy, delicious homemade yogurt.

You're welcome.  

How to Sleep Train a Mommy

Okay, here is my situation:

My mommy has had me for almost 8 months.  The first few months were great - I cried, she picked me up and nursed me.  Anytime, day or night!  Then something happened.  Over the last few weeks, she has been trying to sleep through the night!  At first, I thought it was just a phase, but it is onlt getting worse.  I've talked to other babies, and it seems like it's pretty common after mommies have had us for about six months.  Here's the thing:  These mommies don't really need to sleep.  It's just a habit.  Many of them have had some 30 years to sleep - they just don't need it anymore.  So I am implementing a plan.  I call it the Crybaby Shuffle.  It goes like this:

Night 1:  Cry every 3 hours until you get fed.  I know, it's hard to see your Mommy upset over you crying - just keep reminding yourself that it's for her own good.  

Night 2:  Cry every two hours until you get fed.

Night 3:  Cry every hour.

Most mommies will start to respond more quickly after about three nights.  Some mommies are more alert, and may resist the change longer.  These mommies may stand in your doorway for hours, shh-ing.  Don't give in!!!  

I can not stress this enough:  Consistency is key!  If you let her sleep through the night just once, she will expect it every night.  I know it's hard, but she really does not need the sleep.  She is just resisting change.  If you have an especially alert mommy, you can stop crying for about ten minutes, just long enough for her to go back to bed and start to fall asleep.  Then cry again.  It will eventually work.  My mommy once stayed awake for ten hours straight, so i know she can do it.  

Last night, I cried every hour.  You just have to decide to stick to it and just go for it.  Be consistent!  I cried for any reason I could come up with.  My sleep sack tickled my foot.  I felt a wrinkle under the sheet.  My mobile made a shadow on the wall.  I burped, and it tasted like pears.  I hadn't eaten pears since lunch, what's up with that?  The dog said "woof."  i should know.  My mommy reminds me what a dog says about 20 times a day.  Once, I cried just because I liked how it sounded when it echoed on the monitor in the other room.  Too hot, too cold, just right - doesn't matter!  Keep crying!  It took a while, but it worked.  She nursed me at 4am.  Tomorrow night, my goal is 3:30am.  You need to slowly shorten the interval between feedings in order to reset your mommies internal clocks.  

Good Luck!

PS- Don't let those rubber things fool you.  No matter how long you suck on them, no milk will come out.  Trust me.  

One more, then I'll stop, I promise!

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.  Eventually, Michael the archangel found him resting on the seventh day.

"God, where have you been??" he asked.

God smiled and sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction as he pointed down through the clouds.  "Look, Michael, look what I've made."

Michael looked puzzled and asked "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it.  I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a place of great balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, looking confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of the Earth "For example, Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Africa is going to be poor.  The Middle East over there will be a hotspot for turmoil."  God continued, pointing to different countries "This one will be hot, and this one will be very cold and covered with ice."

Michael, impressed by Gods work, pointed to a land mass with the ocean at its border and asked "What is that one?"

"Ahh," said God, "that is the Jersey Shore, the most glorious place on Earth.  There are beautiful beaches, rivers, lakes and climate.  The people from the Jersey Shore are intelligent, beautiful and humorous.  They will be extremely sociable, high-achieving people, and they will be known throughout the land as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but soon exclaimed "What about balance, God?  You said there would be balance!  Everyone and everything seems so totally perfect in this place you call the Jersey Shore!"

God replied wisely "Wait until you see the assholes Im sending down from Philly and New York every summer!"

So I married a geek.

And not a very funny one, at that.

Setting:  Our bedroom, just before bed.

Saki, glancing at the cup of water on the nightstand:  How old is that water?

The Hubbin':  Old.

Saki:  No, really.  Is it old water, or fresh water?

The Hubbin', clearly annoyed by the prospect of trekking to the kitchen for "fresh water":  Do you think the water in the fridge is "fresh" water?  Do you think when you press that magic little button inside the refrigerator it hydrogenizes the oxygen molecules and forms your "fresh" water.  ALL WATER is old water.  By like, a million years.   Just drink this water.

Saki:  You are a geek.  Can I have new water now?  

Seven.

From the start
She knew she had it made
Easy up 'til then
For sure she'd make the grade
Adorers came in hordes
To lay down in her wake
Gave it all she had
But treasures slowly fade
Now she's falling hard
Feels the fall of dark
How did this fall apart?

A smile of sweetest flowers
Wilted so and soured
Black tears stain the cheeks
That once were so admired
She thinks when she was small
There on her father's knee
How he had promised her,
"You'll always be my baby."
"Daddy come quick,
The dreaming tree has died
I can't find my way home
There is no place to hide
The dreaming tree has died."

Morals and Scruples and Whatnots

Wok:  I have to write an essay.  What is the moral of Cinderella?

Saki:  I don't know.  Probably something like do good things and good things will come to you.

Saki:  Also, be nice to mice.

Wok:  Word.

Nothin' matters in this whole wide world, when you're in love with a Jersey Girl

Three men married wives from different states.

The first man married a woman from Idaho.  He told her that she was to do the dishes and the house cleaning.  It took a bit, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Kansas.  He give his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, all the dishes and all the cooking.  The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.  By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a delicious home cooked meal on the table.

The third man married a woman from New Jersey.  He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, laundry done, and hot meals on the table.  He said the first day he didn't see anything.  The second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix his wife a sandwich and load the dishwasher. 

The Thick Plottens

Yesterday I received the following comment on my Comcast Cable Co. rant:

Hello Saki, 

I apologize for the experience. I knew what you were referring to. We have a small box that you can get or a cable card. I will reach out to my contacts to verify the availability. 

Please provide the telephone number on the account if you are interested in my assistance.

Mark Casem 

Comcast Corp. 

National Customer Operations

We_Can_Help@cable.comcast.com

 

 

My initial reaction, of course, was "Okay, sure, Creepy McCreeperson, would you like my social security number, also?"

 

But then I realized yesterday was April Fool's Day, and began accusing friends (namely Mike and my Hubbin') of concocting the Comcast Hoax.  The Hubbin' suggested googling, which I did, and what I found was several stories from legitimate news sources all discussing Comcasts' new customer service team.  Still not convinced, I called (800) COM-CAST.

 

If you ever want to feel like a total asshole, call your cable company and tell them this:

 

"So, uh yeah...Bear with me here.  I have this blog, on the internet, and uh, I got mad at Comcast, so I um, you know...blogged about it...and then I got this comment on my blog, and it says to send my account phone number to this email address...and I know it's April Fool's Day and stuff, but it is a Comcast account and I was wondering if you could tell me if this is, you know, like...for reals?"

 

Right.  All the while, the Hubbin' was seated beside me, snickering away.  I was put on hold a few times - the person on the other end was probably snickering away, also.  After a few moments, she came back and said "No, this email address certainly has no affiliation with Comcast."  Curious.

 

But, it doesn't end there, kids.  We're just getting warmed up.  

 

The Hubbin' and I went back and forth on it for a while, not wanting to succumb to an identity scam, or worse, the plotted April Fool's trap of one of our friends (O' the humiliation!!).  Eventually, the desire for the tiny cable box overcame our reservation, and we tentatively fired off this email:

 

I received a comment on a post regarding comcast on my blog (www.msnbcasey.blogspot.com) and was asked to email the phone number linked to the account to this email address.  However, when I called (800) COM-CAST, I was told that they could not verify that this is a legitimate part of the comcast customer service team.

While we are intrigued by your offer to help, we are skeptical given the response we received from the comcast (800) number.  Is there any verification that you are actually a part of Comcast?

Thanks! :)

 

Before I knew it - HOLY SHIT!  They emailed me back!!!

 

Hello Casey,

We are indeed a legit team. We are a small team that works out of the corporate office in Philadelphia. If you google ComcastCares you will discover that we have helped many.

Because you have contacted us via your Comcast email address we can locate your account and contact info.

We will have one of our contacts reach out to you tomorrow.

Thanks for reaching out.

Sherri Carson

Digital Media Outreach

National Customer Operations

 

 

 

 

 

 

We emailed back and forth a few times last night.  I was hesitant to give any account information, after the (800) number assured me that it was a scam, But Sherri claimed she could pull account information since I had emailed her via a comcast.net account.

 

This morning, I scoured the internets, looking for the phone number for Comcast Headquarters.  If you ever really want to feel like a huge asshole, call a Corporate office and give them the same sob story you already told the general customer service.

 

The woman who answered the phone assured me Sherri was a legitimate employee and offered me her direct number.  Holy crap, you guys, this shit was for real!

 

Apparently, Comcast really does have people who search the web for people hatin' on Comcast and then they make it right!  

 

And so, between 5-8pm EST* on Friday, I will be the proud new owner of a sleek little cable box.

 

Well played, Comcast.  Well played.

 

 

 

*Just in case, check up on me after 8pm tomorrow, you can never be too certain with people you meet on the internets ;)