Monday, December 15, 2008

I'm a penis, you're a penis, we're all penises (penii?)

Last weekend, Evan, the kids and I drove down to Richmond to see the lovely Jen, and go to the Bizarre Bazaar, which, by the way, is friggin' awesome and everyone should go.

My husband has an iPhone, which all of you have heard me bitch and moan about constantly. The iPhone* does something to people who own one. It becomes the be all and end all; as if Jesus himself has returned to earth in the form of a phone.

He does all sorts of obnoxious things with it, just to prove all of the neat things it can do.

Example One: Song comes on the radio, and I say "Oh! I love this song!" He will whip out the iphone and proudly ask "Do you want to know what it's called and who sings it?" Despite protests of "But I already know who sings it..." the iphone will already be fired up as he holds it close to the speaker, letting it register the name and artist of the song. Three tries later, it tells us what I already know.

Example Two: While driving in the car, he will insist on pulling out the iphone to "check the weather," an act which baffles me to no end, for when one is driving in the car, one is essentially surrounded by windows. Windows, apparently are obsolete, having been replaced by the iphone. I just don't get it....Is everything white? Then it's probably snowing.
Are th trees swaying? Then it's probably windy.
Is it bright out? Then it's probably sunny.
Is everything wet? Then it's probably raining.
YOu can't see anything? Then it's dark and it's probably night time. I fail to see why we need the iphone to check this.

Example Three: When traveling the route from DC to NJ, which we do once a month, he will consult the iphone, so it can tell us exactly where we are, and what exit to take. Nevermind the fact that there are mile markers, and we are familiar with every exit from here to there, having spent three years traveling with children who nurse. But no. iPhone all the way.

But i digress.

I have nicknamed his phone the iPenis, because it is always in his pants. And if it's not in his pants, it's in his hand and he's playing with it.

Back to the original story.

We had finally arrived in Richmond last Saturday, and we were told by Jen to "Follow the signs for Richmond Raceway." Everything was well marked, and it was all systems go for being on the right track. After driving for a few minutes without seeing a sign, I made the mistake of questioning the notion that maybe we had missed one, as we seemed to be in the middle of nowhere.

Evan reached for the iPenis for the gajumpteenth time that trip and i grabbed it and stuck it in the visor on my side, declaring "Stop with this iPenis nonsense. We're going to follow directions like normal god damn people. NO MORE iPenis!"

Cecilia, who had been sleeping for most of the trip, piped of from the back seat "I a penis?? NOOOO!! You a penis!!!" and proceeded to taunt Evan with calls of "You a peeeeeeenis!" and would occasionally blurt out "PENIS!" at random points of time.

Life gets rough when your kids turn into parents.

It gets even rougher when they use your words against you :)

*See also iWhore


lauren e said...

And it's not even MY birthday! :D

i love you - this is hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Perhaps my Iphone is the 'handle that fell off' when I was born . . . per my parents' claims.

I mostly think it's boys that have the Ipenis complex. I still know how to look out a window for weather conditions, and how to read a real map.

I am however, slightly perplexed by one of the new features that allows you to calculate how long it will take you to walk somewhere . . . when I left for Flagstaff yesterday, it was able to calculate that it would take me 3 days and 17 hours to walk there, as opposed to 4 hours driving. Do people REALLY need to calculate that? And if so, why not include how long it might take me to bike there . . . ?


The Female Counterpart said...

OMG LOL Wife! this makes me to larf like none other....PS I habs a new blog I lost my infor for the old one, sides it makes me sad to look at it lol...sooooooooooooo yeah...Imma blog away this freaking sentence