Thursday, February 14, 2008

iWhore

I've shamelessly stolen this from Megan.  I don't think she will mind, though, for we both revel in the mockery that is the iWhore

1 – Allow others to benefit from your iPhone

A man on the street asks you if you have the time. 

YOU: Sure.

Then you whip out your iPhone, hold it up high, waving it around so everyone can see its impressive "clock" function.

YOU: Anyone else need to know the time?!!! Because 
I… HAVE… AN iPHONE!!!

2 – Use your iPhone to save a life

You are on a date in a restaurant. A man is having a heart attack! 

YOU: Coming through! I'll take care of it! I'm an iPhone owner! 

Then you simultaneously call emergency services while accessing Wikipedia instructions on how to perform CPR. To keep the man's wife from panicking, you calm her down by showing her amusing videos of cats wearing silly hats.

DOCTOR: This iPhone owner is a hero! Without his amazing access to information and amusing videos of cats wearing silly hats, we'd have a dead man and a nervous wife. Instead, this couple will live happily ever after. Thank you iPhone Owner!

YOU: Oh, I was just doing what any super cool iPhone owner would do.

3 – Use your iPhone as it was meant to be used... as fashion

Why wear your iPhone on your waist when you can attach it to a headband and wear it on your forehead?

4 – Share your iPhone's information

At the bar, a guy asks you if the local sports team won today.

YOU: Hold on, I'll check that out for you on my brand new amazing iPhone... Sorry, for the delay, I just got my amazing iPhone and I'm still trying to learn all of the amazing iPhone iFeatures... where is News?... Music... Videos... Email... Phone... Crème Brulee recipes... Time Machine... darn this amazing iPhone!

5 – Use your iPhone to fight crime

WOMAN: A man is holding up the Convenience Store owner with a gun!

YOU: No worries ma'am, I am an iPhone owner. I'll simply call 9-1-1... now I'll walk into the store... and take the perpetrator's photo. And... email it to the police.

ROBBER: Stick 'em up or I'll blow you away!

YOU: I own an iPhone.

ROBBER: Really? Wow!

YOU: I know. iPhone says you are suffering from feelings of inadequacy caused by your father's constant belittling of you as a child.

ROBBER: iPhone is right!

YOU: iPhone says there is a support group for your issue approximately 2.9 miles southwest of here.

ROBBER (wiping away tears): Thank you, iPhone owner.

YOU: Of course.

ROBBER: Now I'm going to shoot you and take your iPhone!

YOU: I'm sorry, but I'm going to zap you with 50,000 volts.

ROBBER: Aaaaaaaaaaah!!! 

YOU: The iPhone has a hidden stun-gun feature.

CONVENIENCE STORE OWNER: Thank you, my friend!

YOU: It's my privilege to serve the community. While waiting for the police to arrive, would you like to listen to some U2?


There she is. Sitting there at the bar. Time to make your move. But what do  you say? You start to get a little nervous. Then you remember. "Oh yeah. I have a new iphone. And some oh so witty pick up lines." You relax. You walk up to her casually and say:

I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock. Plus I have an iphone!

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put u and iphone together.

Hey baby. iphone you tomorrow?

Hi. My friend over there bet you wouldn't let me google you on our first date. So what do you say? I'll buy you a drink. You can even google me back. My iphone battery is big and strong and fully charged up, so we could google all night.

Did you know my iphone is also a remote control? Let's go somewhere remote and you can have control.

Hi there angel. Did it hurt when you fell from heav- oh, sorry, I'm getting a call on my new iphone…. Oh, it was Saint Peter. He said have a great time on your trip to Earth, and don't worry about being good- they won't keep score up there while you are on leave.

I AM happy to see you but that's just an iphone in my pocket.

Hi there. Wanna use your fingers to enlarge my pixel size?

Is your dad a thief? Because if he is, I'll keep my new iphone hidden when you introduce him to me next Saturday.

I think I need to call Heaven- on my new iphone- because they lost one of their angels.

I forgot my phone number. Can I have yours? I'll store it in my new iphone.

Excuse me- I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your place? Let me just open up Google maps in my iphone.

How much does my new iphone weigh? Enough to break the ice. Can I enter in your phone number?

You know, inheriting 50 million dollars doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart, even if you have a four houses, two islands and a brand new iphone like this one.

Excuse me, did you just call me on my iphone? Then I guess it wasn't my phone that was vibrating in my pocket.

When Chuck Norris goes to sleep, he checks its closet for the iphone. Too bad he didn't look under the bed.

The iphone can taser your enemies so hard that it can actually alter their DNA. Decades from now, their descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What the hell was that?"

If you can see the iphone, it can see you. If you can't see the iphone, you may be only seconds away from instant death.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Incredible Hulk. When the Incredible Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.  When Chuck Norris gets mad, he still is very, very, very polite to his iphone.

The iphone has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true, if you want to call the iphone a giant meteor.

The iphone does not follow fashion trends, they follow it. But then it turns around and tasers them. NOBODY follows the iphone.

If you ask the iphone what time it is, it always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" it tasers you in the face.

Insurance companies can no longer afford to offer insurance protection against "Acts of iphone".

The iphone can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. Before you have decided to play.

Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… These are some of the iphone's subscription features.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players that have touched an iphone.

When someone with an iphone is crossing the street, the cars have to look both ways.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that the iphone didn't kill you in your sleep.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep the iphone out. But NOTHING can keep the iphone out.If the iphone had been around, you wouldn't have heard of David or Goliath because it would have tasered both of their asses.

The iphone does not sleep. It waits.

What was going through the minds of all of the iphone's victims before they died? An iphone.

The iphone uses a language that incorporates taser shots and sudden temperature changes. So the next time the iphone is totally kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, it may be just trying to tell you it likes your hat.

In a recent survey it was discovered that 56% of women whose romantic partners had an iphone reported asking their lovers to bring their iphone with them to bed. And then asking them to leave.


1 comment:

lauren e said...

FABULOUS. omg, this is so great....