Wednesday, January 16, 2008

But...It has CARBS!

People are always on the lookout for a new diet, especially this time of year when resolutions are still fresh on everyone's brain.  THe trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (The Starvation Diet), you don't get enough variation (The Liquid Diet) or you go broke (The All-Meat Diet).  Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after three days.

Over the years, you may have noticed that most two year olds are pretty trim.  Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet.  You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards.  Good luck, and I present to you:

The Toddler Miracle Diet
DAY ONE

Breakfast:  One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.  Eat two bites of egg, using your fingers.  Dump the rest on the floor.  Take one bite of toast, then smear jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch:  Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk.  (Take only three sips of milk, then spill the rest onto the carpet.)

Dinner:  A stick, two pennies, a nickel, four sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime Snack:  Throw a piece of toast onto the kitchen floor.


DAY TWO

Breakfast:  Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.  Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of food coloring.

Lunch:  Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor).  One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack:  Lick a lollipop until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt.  Retrieve and continue slurping until it's clean again.  Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner:   A rock or uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril.  Pour grape juice over mashed potatoes and eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast:  Two pancakes with plenty of syrup.  Eat one with fingers after rubbing in hair.  Glass of milk.  Drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.  After breakfast, pick up yesterdays lollipop from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.

Lunch:  Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Spit several bites onto the floor.  Pour glass of milk on the table and then lap up like a dog.

Dinner:  Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some cherry juice.  Try to laugh juice through your nose, if possible.

DAY FOUR

Breakfast:  One quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive.  Pour a glass of milk over a bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar.  Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to the dog.

Lunch:  Eat bread crumbs off kitchen and dining room carpet.  Find that lollipop and finish eating it.

Dinner:  Drop pieces of spaghetti onto the dog's back.  Insert meatball into ear.  Dump pudding into milk and drink with a straw.  



Repeat days of diet as needed!!

1 comment:

lauren e said...

ahhhhh, i so love you. hysterical... sounds like it's been a pretty calm and normal week for you, reading that....