Sunday, November 12, 2006

SO THERE!

Jersey Born, Jersey Bred, Jersey Trash Till I'm dead!

Yeah, I'm from Jersey, have been all my life. I'm gonna give you everything about jersey, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

First... New Jersey people are conceited. It's true. We hate everyone else. And we think we are better than everyone else. And we never stop talking about how great jersey is. Then we tell people to "shut the fuck up" when they tell us all we talk about is jersey. I just recently was in the south ... and I can honestly say, that I do think I am better than them. It's not my fault. It's cause I'm from jersey. My friends and I were the rudest, most obnoxious people there. Everyone just stared at us. Then we saw other rude people, and I asked them where they were from. They said jersey.

Why are New Jersey people self centered? Because we have reason to be.

Next, some of the most famous people have come from our state. Just to name A FEW... Frank Sinatra, Bruce Springsteen, The Bouncing Souls, Kevin Smith, Whitney Houston, Martha Stewart, Lauryn Hill, Catch 22, Anne Hathaway, Queen Latifa, My Chemical Romance, Bon Jovi, Jack Nicholson, Bruce Willis, The Four Seasons, Danny Devito, Tom Cruise .. and the list Goes on.

Not only do we have famous people, we rank in the top 10 of smartest states every year.

Not only are we smart & famous...we're rich. Bergen, Somerset, Morris, & Hunderton counties rank in the countries top 15 richest counties. And despite the slums of Newark (yes, Newark, not New-ark) & Camden which are some of the countries most dangerous places to live, we have 4 of the top 10 safest cities to live in the US.

And we smell? Yeah, we do. New Jersey smells like ASS. On the turnpike, between exits 14 and 17. That's like, 5 percent of the entire state.. Bayonne, Port Newark, and Secaucus. And the surrounding areas. That's it. The majority of the state smells like trees. Because the majority of the state is trees. In fact, three of New Jersey's cities rank in the countries top 10 least polluted cities. So shove it.

New Jersey is ideal. I live 1 hour away from New York City, 1 hour away from Philly, 45 minutes from AC, and 2 seconds away from the famous jersey shore, which by the way is amazing. You think your beach is better? Fuck you. Why do you think MTV's true life had an episode titled "I'm a Jersey Shore girl." Because it's the best fucking shore in the country.

My house is 3 minutes to the nearest mall, 5 minutes to the next, and a 10 to the next. I just Counted 7 malls within a half hour of my house. Find me another state that has all that to offer.

Yeah, we have accents. Who gives a shit? Everyone has an accent. And no, we don't say "Joisey." We do say "cawfee and tawk." But I can tell you it's a hell of a better accent than you bitches from the south.

Hungry? Don't worry. We have 24 hour diners. A million of them. We also have Hoboken which has some of the finest places to eat. And you have not had real Italian food until you come here. Okay?

And WE can't drive? NO.. YOU can't drive. In the south the speed limit signs read: speed limit 60.. minimum 45. WHAT? That's why you people can't drive. Who has a minimum speed limit? New Jersey drivers like pissing other people off solely because of the reputation. This is what we will do...just so you know...if we see an out of state license plate, we'll tailgate your ass. Probably because you're only doing the speed limit & we want to go 20 over. Then, we'll cut you off... and go slow in front of you. Because we can. And because when you go home you're gonna complain about us. We like it, it doesn't bother us….it's what we want.

We like fast things. Things move too slow in other states. You can tell that someone's from New Jersey by the way they walk. They walk really fast and have a strut that says "I'm better than you."

Just shut the fuck up. If you go to Seaside boardwalk or Belmar. You'll probably see some of the trashiest, skankiest girls & some of the most guido, gelled up hair, armani exchange wearing boys that take too many steroids and have too much sex… And pretty much about 99% of them are mocked upon being from New York and all.

The majority of Jersey people are Italian, or wish they were. We drink & smoke way too much. Oh yeah and we throw the sickest parties ... in the woods.

What else? Giants, Jets, Nets, and of course the Devils. They're
better than you. So shut the fuck up. And we have more Yankee fans than New York City. Come to jersey with a sox hat on ... I fuckin' dare you!

And oh yeah, we say "yo." Often. And "fuck." I don't complain that you say "y'all" so don't complain that I say "yo."

To sum up New Jersey, yeah, most of the stereotypes are true, probably for about 5 percent of the state. The rest of the state is beautiful.

And yeah, we hate you. We love ourselves. Wanna know why? Because all you bitches hate us. How would you feel if the other 49 states spent all their time talking shit? We deserve to be our own country cause we're that cool.

2 comments:

Luker Jersey Local 421 said...

Wow...I must say this is one of the best rants i've read all year. Although I am not a homeslice resident I do have a nj drivers licence and I do enjoy all of the benefits of living in the garden state.

Manasquan nj is hands down the best spot to surf on the east coast.

I don't even go to the grocery store because there are so many tasty resturants within a mile of my house.

Benny's from ny piss me off and I think they should all be quarantined to long island.

I like my cars fast and my women even faster. So stay out of the left lane on the parkway and don't even think about cock blocking me at the bar.

Just joking about about that last part. But if your ever around the squan call me up and i'll take you and Evan out to eat at Maria's Italian Dining...Mama mia, now thats a spicy meataballa.

Anonymous said...

oh my god... luke, come home now!!!! i'm laughing so hard right now, at both of you...

(my coworker just came out of her office to see what i was making so much noise about)

wonderful rant. i love it. i love you both. :)