The Uneasy Rider

Me and my buddy got us some wild hair and we figured we wanted to go somewhere, so we loaded up in my ragtop Chevrolet. We had a little bit of money and a whole lot of show, and with Hank Jr. blarin' on the radio we got a tank full of gas and we were on our way. We figured we'd go down to New Orleans, we were barreling down ol' 17 when a man with a blinking red light was on our tail.

He said "You were doing 60 in a 45, but I'm gonna let you go this time, but if I catch you again, I'll put you in the county jail,"

We said "Thank you sir, you've sure been nice, you won't have to tell us twice." and we were southbound with the wind blowing in our faces.

We kept on rolling, and pretty soon the radio was kicking out a haggard tune and we were pulling into Houston and checkin' out all those places. I was feeling dry and I said "I think we ought to stop and get ourselves a drink" And ol' Jim said "yeah, 'cause we've got time to kill."

We kept on rollin' and I seen this spot and we pulled into the parking lot of a place called The Cloud 9 Bar and Grill. We walked through the door and the place was jammed, the lights were low, they had a punk rock band with some orange haired fella singing about suicide. I said "Jim, this ain't our kind of place..." and he said "well, let's just have one round anyways."

So against my better judgement we walked on inside, went up to the bar and we sat down, this fella walked up and said "I'll buy this round" and sat down on the barstool next to Jim. He looked like a girl but talked like a guy; had lipstick on and mascara on his eyes, and everyone in that bar looked just like him.

I said "Jim this ain't our kind of bar, let's just and get back in the car, there's gonna be trouble, no sense in taking a chance." We were getting up, gettig ready to leave when somebody grabbed ol' Jim by the sleeve; it was this good looking girl and she was asking my buddy to dance. I said "Jim don't do, theres something missing, theres fellas dancing and fellas kissing, there's a fella in high heeled shoes wearing pantyhose!"

He said "Partner, I just can't turn this down, you go over and have one more round, I'll dance with the lady and we'll get back on the road."

So he walked away and left me alone, and this funny looking fella kept coming on, and he was making me mad with some of the things he was saying. And then he put his hand on my knee, I said "If you don't get your hands off me, I'm gonna locate your nose on the wrong side of your head."

He said "I love it when you get that fire in your eyes!"

Heh..well, partner, try this on for size...I unloaded on him and he went out like a light. Everybody in that place must've been his friend, they all headed for me I thought 'this is the end,' but where i come from we don't give up without a fight. They were screaming and yelling and punching and pawing, I was punching and hitting and kicking and clawing. I was holding my own (cause I've been in a scrap or two.)

Ol' Jim came running up out of the blue, and the girl he was with came running up to, and proceeded to beat on me with her high heeled shoe. I grabbed her by the hair, it came off in my hand - that beautiful girl was just a beautiful man. Ol' Jim just got sick right there on the floor. He dropped that dude like a shot for a gun, smeared "her" lipstick and made her make up run, and me and O'l Jim started fighting our way to the door.

Man, we let outta there in my Chevrolet, I put it on the floor and it stayed that way we were going down the highway doing about 110. We were headed for home and we were getting near when a red light came up in the rearview mirror. It was that SAME damn cop pulling us over again.

We were sitting there in the county jail, I had to call my Daddy to throw our bail, but i learned me a lesson I never will forget...

I done give drinkin'
I give up bars
And running round the country in suped up cars

I'm going back where the women are women and the men are men