I want my MTV

Today, I had to call Comcast Cable Company.  I had been putting it off, because phoning the cable company is like it's own little level of hell.  As we all know, all (800) number calls are routed to one call center. I wanted a cable box for upstairs, so that we could get the Sprout channel for the kids.  I expected to be on hold nothing short of forever, so imagine my delight when my representative picked up with in 30 seconds of placing the call.

Comcast Customer Care Representative:  Goodmorning, thank you for calling Comcast, this is Tim, how can I help you today?

Saki:  Hi, Tim!  Can I call you Tim?

Comcast Customer Care Representative:  Yes Ma'am.

Saki:  Great!  So Tim, this is what I need.  I want to get the sprout channel - I need one of those box thingies, yes?

Tim:  Yes Ma'am.  

Saki:  Okay then.  So how much will that set me back?

Tim:  Well, the normal box is $4 per month, the HD box is $8 per month, and the DVR box is $14 per month

Saki:  Okay, well, it doesn't matter, I want the littlest one you have.

Tim:  They're all the same size, Ma'am.

Saki:  No, they're not.

Tim:  Yes, Ma'am.  They are.

Saki:  But I already have a DVR box downstairs.  And it's big.

Tim:  Yes.

Saki:   . . .

Tim:  . . .

Saki:  So, put me down for one of those little ones.

Tim:  There are no little ones.

Saki:  Yes there are.

Tim:  No, Ma'am.  There are no little ones.

Saki:  Well, I'm from Jersey, and we have little ones there.

Tim:  I know.

Saki:  So, can I get one?

Tim:  No Ma'am.

Saki:  What?

Tim:  . . .

Saki:  I can't have one of the little Jersey boxes?

Tim:  No, Ma'am, it won't work in Virginia.

Saki:  Well, can't you like, order me one?  I go there all the time, I can pick it up.

Tim:  Yes, but it won't work in Virginia

Saki:  But I want one.

Tim:  I'm from Philly.  I want one too.  But you can't have one.  It won't work here.

Saki:  Oh. . .Okay, well, I don't know what to say right now, so I'm going to call you back, Tim.  

What the hell, you guys??  I don't have anywhere to put one of those big boxes!  Remember the days when you could give your cable guy a $20 and get HBO hooked up on the DL? Life should be so simple.  I'd totally slip a $20 to get a hot wired sprout channel!

Find a penny, pick it up...

..and you'll be a penny richer!

I've always been somewhat frugal (Stop your snickering.  I can hear you!  I am frugal, dammit).  I love sales, I love sales when I can combine them with coupons.  I love getting things for free, or close to it, and really, who doesn't?

Newspapers often run a section in the paper for people just like me.  They list things you can do for low or no cost in the general area.  Now, I am in the DC area, not the Boston area, but this might just be incentive to go take a drive up 95.  

25 Things to do in Boston for under $25

Oh yes, kids, that is our beloved Mike right there.  Not only is Mike something to do for under $25, Boston.com has him listed as free.  

Get him while he's hot, ladies!

There is Nothing Safe in this Room

White Wedding: Literal Video Version - watch more funny videos

Tally me bananas

Quite a while back, The Hubbin' and I watched a documentary on breastfeeding.  It talked about how the United States has such a ridiculous view on nursing children past infancy.  Since I nursed Cecilia for 26 months, the documentary was something I was interested in.  Throughout the program, they interviewed verbal children who still nurse, or could remember nursing.  One little girl remarked with a pronounced British accent "It tasted better than a thousand melons!"  

That remark, of course, became the running joke in our house anytime nursing was brought up.  Which, when you have a baby in the house, is at least every 45 minutes.  

But alas, the time comes in every baby's life that nursing must be supplemented with other types of foods.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends the introduction of solid foods into a baby's diet between 4-6 months.  Not wanting to mess with perfection, we wait until closer to 6 months or even a little later to start with "real" food.  

Lucas is eager to put the banana coated spoon into his mouth:  "Get into my mouth, spoon!"

"Uhhh...guys...."

"Oh God, it's worse than I thought, guys!  Blech!  Remove it!  Remove it!"

"PPBBLLTT!  Get out of my mouth bananas!"

"That didn't taste like a thousand melons at all."

"I mean really - WTF?"

"I, Lucas, do solemnly vow to never eat that again."

Lucas: 1

Bananas: 0

A long, long time ago

in a town far, far away. . .

My mother used to rule her roost completely.  She liked things shiny and clean, and she liked things where they belonged, and she really, really liked Christmastime.  As you can imagine, decorating for Christmas was a family affair, and a constant struggle to unpack the decorations, put them where they belonged, and keep the house shiny and clean all at the very same time.   She was kind of a tyrant about it.

One night, Samantha and I stayed up late sewing pleats into 30+ yards of red fabric to skirt around her platform where my mom sets up a little village.  We were miffed that we were the only ones up, because we were the only ones who could sew.  And so, we tied extra pieces of fabric around our heads and made up slave names for ourselves, and continued to wear our head garb throughout the rest of the week, slowly recruiting the rest of the family into our little clique.  Vinnie would come by, and tie his fabric on like tupac, while secretly rearranging the villagers on the platform, or making snowmen out of the fake snow.  

Christmas came and went, as it always does, but from that time on, anytime the sewing machine came out, so did our little do-rags.  

And you'll be pleased to know that i've carried on the tradition:

Word to yo' mutha.

Sewing mends the soul

I brought out the sewing machine, and look at what I did!

Fancypants inside lining:

One side:

Other side:

All modeled by my ever-so-patient husband, who was just so thrilled* to be wearing a girlie colored patchwork bag.

*thrilled = mortified

Be Mine

All those Mocha Lattes, you gotta do pilates

Dear World Gym,

I was sad to see that you purchased the gym that I have a membership to. While my old gym wasn't much to write home about, it was staffed with friendly people. Friendly, normal people. And it was patronized by friendly, normal people. Mostly moms. Moms who looked like moms and wore yoga pants and t-shirts that advertised their kids' t-ball team, or the local car wash, or their husbands company.

Now that you have usurped my gym, your patrons all wear tight outfits made out of some sort of creepy lycra that wicks perspiration off of the body and leaves it on the machines. Instead of the tranquil sounds of the yoga classes, there is the screams of pain as meatheads lift eighteen times their body weight with one hand, while sucking back a jug of muscle milk with the other.

And, speaking of my beloved, tranquil, yoga class - You took away the yoga mats and replaced them with machines that look as though they are made to torture those believed to be witches. What do you do with a contraption like that? Clearly, you are disturbed.

Also, we need to discuss the attitude of your elliptical machines.  If that miserable piece of metal tells me to "resume workout" one more time, I will lose my mind.  I highly suggest that you have a talk with it.  

Thank you,

Regards,

Saki with the sore body

Everything I know, I learned on the internets.

Life is a party...Dress up!

I told Cecilia to "Get ready for dinner."

And boy, did she ever. Homegirl knows how to decorate herself.

Hi, I'm a Mac

My list of resolutions

...all of which I have broken.

1. Take more photographs. Try to be in some of them
2. Keep in better contact with the people I care about
3. Drink more water and less other stuff (like coffee. Mmm...blessed, blessed coffee)
4. Stay not pregnant

Oh, I guess I've got that last one down. Thank you, Mirena.

And i also want to point out that I forgot to wish my blog readers a Merry Christmas, and other assorted holidays that happen this time of year. My apologies. Man, if my blog was city hall, there would've been riots what with me favoring the jews and all ;)

So tell me, what are your resolutions for the New Year? Anything grand? Have you stuck to them? Or am I the only New Years Heathen?

An Ode to My Children

Drink your Gin & Tonica

Happy Hanukkah to all of my Jewish blog readers :)

.

I had a dream that I had to drive to Madison
to deliver a painting
for some silly reason.

I took a wrong turn
& ended up in Michigan.
I saw you and you took me
to a giant tire swing.
Gave me a push
and you started singing.
I sang along with i was swinging.

The sound of our voices made us forget
everything
that had ever hurt our feelings.

All I want for Christmas...

Dear Santa,

I've been a good Mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited their doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my daughter's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprintresistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat In the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime
family.


Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my kids saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think they want the crayon back.

Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.



Yours Always,

Mommy



P.S...One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.

I'm a penis, you're a penis, we're all penises (penii?)

Last weekend, Evan, the kids and I drove down to Richmond to see the lovely Jen, and go to the Bizarre Bazaar, which, by the way, is friggin' awesome and everyone should go.

My husband has an iPhone, which all of you have heard me bitch and moan about constantly. The iPhone* does something to people who own one. It becomes the be all and end all; as if Jesus himself has returned to earth in the form of a phone.

He does all sorts of obnoxious things with it, just to prove all of the neat things it can do.

Example One: Song comes on the radio, and I say "Oh! I love this song!" He will whip out the iphone and proudly ask "Do you want to know what it's called and who sings it?" Despite protests of "But I already know who sings it..." the iphone will already be fired up as he holds it close to the speaker, letting it register the name and artist of the song. Three tries later, it tells us what I already know.

Example Two: While driving in the car, he will insist on pulling out the iphone to "check the weather," an act which baffles me to no end, for when one is driving in the car, one is essentially surrounded by windows. Windows, apparently are obsolete, having been replaced by the iphone. I just don't get it....Is everything white? Then it's probably snowing.
Are th trees swaying? Then it's probably windy.
Is it bright out? Then it's probably sunny.
Is everything wet? Then it's probably raining.
YOu can't see anything? Then it's dark and it's probably night time. I fail to see why we need the iphone to check this.

Example Three: When traveling the route from DC to NJ, which we do once a month, he will consult the iphone, so it can tell us exactly where we are, and what exit to take. Nevermind the fact that there are mile markers, and we are familiar with every exit from here to there, having spent three years traveling with children who nurse. But no. iPhone all the way.

But i digress.

I have nicknamed his phone the iPenis, because it is always in his pants. And if it's not in his pants, it's in his hand and he's playing with it.

Back to the original story.

We had finally arrived in Richmond last Saturday, and we were told by Jen to "Follow the signs for Richmond Raceway." Everything was well marked, and it was all systems go for being on the right track. After driving for a few minutes without seeing a sign, I made the mistake of questioning the notion that maybe we had missed one, as we seemed to be in the middle of nowhere.

Evan reached for the iPenis for the gajumpteenth time that trip and i grabbed it and stuck it in the visor on my side, declaring "Stop with this iPenis nonsense. We're going to follow directions like normal god damn people. NO MORE iPenis!"

Cecilia, who had been sleeping for most of the trip, piped of from the back seat "I a penis?? NOOOO!! You a penis!!!" and proceeded to taunt Evan with calls of "You a peeeeeeenis!" and would occasionally blurt out "PENIS!" at random points of time.

Life gets rough when your kids turn into parents.

It gets even rougher when they use your words against you :)



*See also iWhore

Quote of the Day

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make it greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit!"

The Great Glitter Incident of '08

Since no holiday season would be complete without a messy arts and crafts project, Cecilia and I made pinecone turkeys the week before thanksgiving. While they looked very festive with their wiggle eyes and feathers, what they really needed was a good dose of glitter. As you can see, Cecilia took the job very seriously.

True Dork

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