Snow in June

"Cecilia, what are you doing?"

"Snowing."

ahhh....it's all clear to me now.

Dammit, Fuddy!

This past Sunday was my sisters' last crew race. Although it's fun to go watch, the rowers are far enough out in the water that they can't hear anything but their coxswain yelling at them.



If you know my family, you then know that this is unacceptable to us, so we set about to thinking of ways to be particularly obnoxious on race days.

I suggested the beloved bubble machine - if they can't hear us, they'd at least see us. Besides, everyone loves bubbles.

A megaphone was also suggested, as was a foghorn and airhorn. In keeping with the "horn" suggestions, I said "OH!! We should get one like the car in the Dukes of Hazzard!"

Fuddy put his arm around me and said "A dixie horn? You dun' been in the South too long, darlin'

GAH. move me hooooooome!

And the award for "best advice of the day"

Goes to Lauren and Josh.

Last Sunday was Cecilia's 2nd birthday party. It was smallish, family, close friends and neighbors, but we had a lot of fun - it was good company.

Cecilia wore the dress that she picked out herself. Personally, i think it's the ugliest dress I've ever seen...something akin to a bridesmaid horror story. Hot pink taffeta everywhere. But she loved it, and so it was.


The theme, naturally, was "Melmo," complete with elmo decorations, elmo balloons, and elmo on the cake:


Once she got the hang of it, she was all about the presents. Being two is particularly awesome, because everyone gives you cool stuff, like fun clothes, bad ass books, a bounce house, and ball pit


But her favorite of all was the bubble maker. This is where Lauren and Josh completely rocked my socks that day. After opening the presents, we decided it would be super fun to fire up the bubble machine. We had opened gifts in the dining room, as it was chilly and kind of damp outside, so I said we might as well just play bubbles inside. Lauren because slightly distraught and pointed out that outside was just a few steps away, right through the door, and if it started to really rain, we could just come back in. "It does say "Gagillion" on it" Josh chimed in. So outside we went. And thank god.


When they said "over 5,000 bubbles per minute!" they weren't kidding. Bubbles EVERYWHERE


Bet you're jealous that YOU don't have a bubble making machine!

How I spent my Sunday afternoon

It was a rainy chilly day today. Not even a brief pause in the rain to go outside resulted in quite a rammy child. She had been getting into things all day, partly because she's two, mostly because she was bored of being pent up in the house.

So this is what happened. I was making the bed, Evan was in the other room, and Cecilia was in her room playing doll house. I saw her go down the hall towards where Evan was, and figured she was going to see him, when I heard a door close and the click of the lock. She was locked into the bathroom.

It's a pushbutton lock, where if you turn the handle from the inside, it will pop open. Or you can put something slender into the hole on the outside and that will also pop it open. But it's an old house, and an equally old knob, and it just wasn't giving it up.

We pulled the face plate off, but couldn't to the guts of the knob because it didn't come out far enough, we tried sticking a skinny chisel into the hole and hitting it with a hammer, but no dice there, either.

We tried coaxing her into turning the knob herself, Evan had her convinced he'd give her chocolate if she opened the door. We spent a good 25 minutes trying to stick things into the handle, or get her to open it from her side, but we weren't getting anywhere.





Eventually, we hit the door and the knob with a hammer until the handle broke and slid out far enough for us to do something with it.


And this is what we found on the other side:


Cecilia, as The Crow:

Six

"For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these: It might have been."

That'll teach ya

Jemma: Ew. The house smells like up dog.
Saki: What?
Jemma: The house smells like up dog.
Saki: Updog?
Jemma: Yes
Saki: WTF is up dog?
Jemma: Not much homie, with you?

Where, oh where...

..Has my Lauren gone? Where, oh where can she be?


Did my giant aloe plant head eat her?


The world may never know.

The beginning of the end

Since it's getting to be fairly warm on a regular basis here in the swamp, I decided that it's about time to take Cecilia shopping for some summer sandals. Okay, okay, the buy one, get one half off coupon for stride rite had something to do with it, but i digress. I approached Cecilia on the matter this morning, as she was licking the remnants of her cinnamon bun off her fingers and watching Sesame Street.

Saki: Cecilia, how about we get cleaned up and dressed and we'll go shopping?

Cecilia, plucking a frosting coated finger from her mouth with an audible pop: Shoppin'?

Saki: Ya, we'll drive up to the mall with the merry-go-round inside, and we'll buy you some new shoes

Cecilia: Shoe SHOPPIN'?!?!

*she hops off the couch and dances in circles while making up the following song*


Shoppin' shoppin' shoppin'
shoooooooooooes
shoppin' YEAH!


Man, my husband and his wallet are in SO much trouble. Let's get some shoes.

Going Green!

Feeling a little grey in the midst of urban life? Get an EcoWall!!!


Not only are they beautiful, but they purify the air, and add a touch of life to a dull space. And the architects behind it are really, really awesome

I think I might have a situation...

..Or something.

I have this aloe plant, it's HUGE. We call it KingKong Aloe:



Ignore the mess.

Anyway, so KingKong Aloe grows at an alarming rate. To give you an idea, it's in a 16" pot, and the window behind it is a little over 5' It's a big frickin' plant. It has baby aloes all the time, they start to grow out of the roots in the pot, and look just like the big one, but smaller. I take them out and give them to neighbors, and everyone on the block has an aloe now.

So when I was watering it on Saturday, I noticed it was growing...something. Right from the middle of the stalk, it looks like...I don't know. A plant head. There, I said it, it looks like a plant head.



All i can think of is this:


Like I'm going to wake up one morning and the dog will be missing, and KingKong Aloe will have fur around the pot, and will be all like FEED ME, SAKI!

Help.

Mmmm

Dear Salt & Vinegar Potato Chips,

I love you. Let's get married.

Sincerely,
Saki in Sodium Over-load

Toddler Creed - An Ode to Cecilia

If it is on, I must turn it off.
If it is off, I must turn it on.
If it is folded, I must unfold it.
If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.
If it is high, it must be reached.
If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.
If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
If it has leaves, they must be picked.
If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
If it is closed, it must be opened.
If it does not open, it must be screamed at.
If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.
If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.
If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.
If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
If Mommy's hands are full, I must be carried.
If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
If it is paper, it must be torn.
If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
If the volume is low, it must go high.
If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.
If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon.
If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth.
If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
If it is a phone, I must talk to it.
If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.
If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.
If it is not food, it must be tasted.
If it IS food, it must not be tasted.
If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water.
If it is a carseat, it must be protested with arched back.
If it is Mommy, it must be hugged.
I am toddler!

Dear Saki...

Dear Spring,

I enjoy your presence in D.C. Please stick around for the next few months until summer comes. I'm a little over winter, and this winter was a particularly pathetic attempt at a season. I'm ready for flowers and sun and warmth, and I can even deal with some rain, as long as it's not mixed with ice pellets like winter sends us. If you stay, I'll give you a cookie.

Sincerely,
Hoping it stays warm

**********************************************************************************************

Dear Weirdos Who Are Googling My Childs Picture,

Enough is enough now. I can see when you search my pictures, and I find you to be creepy. I know people. Stoppit.

Sincerely,
Cecilia's (The Easter Girl's) Mom

**********************************************************************************************

Dear Childish Snapper,

I know you intended for your words to get back to me, just to get under my skin. They did. However, since it's no secret I find you to be classless and reprehensible, it ceases to bother me. The idea of a grown woman, a mother, no less, spewing sludge just to be catty is laughable, and a despicable example for your children. Truly, I pity them.

Truly,
Content In My Own Skin

**********************************************************************************************

Dear D.C. Housing Market,

Shape up! I need to sell this house and go back to Jersey where I belong.

Signed,
Disgruntled Home Owner With a Hugantic Mortgage Payment

The Impotence of Proofreading

*$

I don't know anybody who doesn't love a frappachino on a hot summer day.  In fact I heard that Starbucks is actually losing money simply because they can't make them fast enough.  People want them that badly - and they're not cheap, either.  You could feed a kid a kid in a refugee camp in Sudan for a whole week for what we spend on one grande mocha half caff no whip frappachino.

A whole week.

Seven days.

Not that anyone is going to skip their frosty treat to save a kid from starvation.  I mean, c'mon.  They're freakin' delicious.  

You know you're an over protective parent when...

This past week or so, Cecilia has taken to falling over for no apparent reason.  Inside or out, shoes, socks, barefoot; it didn't seem to matter.  She'd get truckin' and all of a sudden, she'd take a massive spill, often times clunking her head on the wall, floor, table, yadda yadda.  It kind of concerned me, because while I know and understand that toddlers fall, this was pretty new to her, and with  rather sudden onset.  Besides, this is my toddler we're talking about here.  Very different situation.  

So I made an appointment today to see her doctor, concerned that maybe there was fluid in her ears, or something was wrong with her eyes, and it was upsetting her equilibrium.  I just didn't know, but better safe than sorry, especially when it comes to my kid.

Off to the doctor we went.  Cecilia topped the scales at a whopping 24lbs, 8oz.  Quite the *chunker.  The doctor stripped her down to her pull up and socks, and gave her the good once over.  Checked eyes, ears, glands, legs, arms, joints, feet, the works.  Unconvinced by what she saw, she set Cecilia on the floor.  But the doctor made one tragic mistake. 

She left the baby on the exam table.  As the doctor was explaining to me what she was about to look for, Cecilia pushed the tiny child sized chair next to the adult chair, climbed both and scrambled onto the table, pulling the baby, and the beloved **Sippy Sips down.  

From there, she had Cecilia walk up and down the hallway, where upon reaching on end of the hall, she would spin on her heel, announce "Ready!  Set!  GO!" and promptly tear down the hall to the other end, baby and sippy sips in tow.  

Back in the exam room, the doctor said "While falling down is something that's not to be taken lightly, I think that it's related to anything bad in this case."  She went on to explain that she feels Cecilia's problem is this:  She's tiny.  She thinks she's big.  She acts accordingly.  She runs when she should walk, she flies when she should run, and in general, she's very physically advanced for her age, but just doesn't have the size to hold all of that up.  

In short, her diagnosis:  Runt.  

I also had to puff out my mom chest with pride when she said how excellent Cecilia's communication skills were, and that she sees 3 year olds who don't speak as well as she does.  I'm kinda surprised my head fit out the door.  

*By chunker i mean itty bitty.  She's in like the 5th percentile for weight

**The plastic bottle of orange juice...or some sort of creepy orange liquid that disappears into the nipple of the bottle when flipped upside down.  

iWhore

I've shamelessly stolen this from Megan.  I don't think she will mind, though, for we both revel in the mockery that is the iWhore

1 – Allow others to benefit from your iPhone

A man on the street asks you if you have the time. 

YOU: Sure.

Then you whip out your iPhone, hold it up high, waving it around so everyone can see its impressive "clock" function.

YOU: Anyone else need to know the time?!!! Because I… HAVE… AN iPHONE!!!

2 – Use your iPhone to save a life

You are on a date in a restaurant. A man is having a heart attack! 

YOU: Coming through! I'll take care of it! I'm an iPhone owner! 

Then you simultaneously call emergency services while accessing Wikipedia instructions on how to perform CPR. To keep the man's wife from panicking, you calm her down by showing her amusing videos of cats wearing silly hats.

DOCTOR: This iPhone owner is a hero! Without his amazing access to information and amusing videos of cats wearing silly hats, we'd have a dead man and a nervous wife. Instead, this couple will live happily ever after. Thank you iPhone Owner!

YOU: Oh, I was just doing what any super cool iPhone owner would do.

3 – Use your iPhone as it was meant to be used... as fashion

Why wear your iPhone on your waist when you can attach it to a headband and wear it on your forehead?

4 – Share your iPhone's information

At the bar, a guy asks you if the local sports team won today.

YOU: Hold on, I'll check that out for you on my brand new amazing iPhone... Sorry, for the delay, I just got my amazing iPhone and I'm still trying to learn all of the amazing iPhone iFeatures... where is News?... Music... Videos... Email... Phone... Crème Brulee recipes... Time Machine... darn this amazing iPhone!

5 – Use your iPhone to fight crime

WOMAN: A man is holding up the Convenience Store owner with a gun!

YOU: No worries ma'am, I am an iPhone owner. I'll simply call 9-1-1... now I'll walk into the store... and take the perpetrator's photo. And... email it to the police.

ROBBER: Stick 'em up or I'll blow you away!

YOU: I own an iPhone.

ROBBER: Really? Wow!

YOU: I know. iPhone says you are suffering from feelings of inadequacy caused by your father's constant belittling of you as a child.

ROBBER: iPhone is right!

YOU: iPhone says there is a support group for your issue approximately 2.9 miles southwest of here.

ROBBER (wiping away tears): Thank you, iPhone owner.

YOU: Of course.

ROBBER: Now I'm going to shoot you and take your iPhone!

YOU: I'm sorry, but I'm going to zap you with 50,000 volts.

ROBBER: Aaaaaaaaaaah!!! 

YOU: The iPhone has a hidden stun-gun feature.

CONVENIENCE STORE OWNER: Thank you, my friend!

YOU: It's my privilege to serve the community. While waiting for the police to arrive, would you like to listen to some U2?

There she is. Sitting there at the bar. Time to make your move. But what do  you say? You start to get a little nervous. Then you remember. "Oh yeah. I have a new iphone. And some oh so witty pick up lines." You relax. You walk up to her casually and say:

I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock. Plus I have an iphone!

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put u and iphone together.

Hey baby. iphone you tomorrow?

Hi. My friend over there bet you wouldn't let me google you on our first date. So what do you say? I'll buy you a drink. You can even google me back. My iphone battery is big and strong and fully charged up, so we could google all night.

Did you know my iphone is also a remote control? Let's go somewhere remote and you can have control.

Hi there angel. Did it hurt when you fell from heav- oh, sorry, I'm getting a call on my new iphone…. Oh, it was Saint Peter. He said have a great time on your trip to Earth, and don't worry about being good- they won't keep score up there while you are on leave.

I AM happy to see you but that's just an iphone in my pocket.

Hi there. Wanna use your fingers to enlarge my pixel size?

Is your dad a thief? Because if he is, I'll keep my new iphone hidden when you introduce him to me next Saturday.

I think I need to call Heaven- on my new iphone- because they lost one of their angels.

I forgot my phone number. Can I have yours? I'll store it in my new iphone.

Excuse me- I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your place? Let me just open up Google maps in my iphone.

How much does my new iphone weigh? Enough to break the ice. Can I enter in your phone number?

You know, inheriting 50 million dollars doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart, even if you have a four houses, two islands and a brand new iphone like this one.

Excuse me, did you just call me on my iphone? Then I guess it wasn't my phone that was vibrating in my pocket.

When Chuck Norris goes to sleep, he checks its closet for the iphone. Too bad he didn't look under the bed.

The iphone can taser your enemies so hard that it can actually alter their DNA. Decades from now, their descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What the hell was that?"

If you can see the iphone, it can see you. If you can't see the iphone, you may be only seconds away from instant death.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Incredible Hulk. When the Incredible Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.  When Chuck Norris gets mad, he still is very, very, very polite to his iphone.

The iphone has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true, if you want to call the iphone a giant meteor.

The iphone does not follow fashion trends, they follow it. But then it turns around and tasers them. NOBODY follows the iphone.

If you ask the iphone what time it is, it always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" it tasers you in the face.

Insurance companies can no longer afford to offer insurance protection against "Acts of iphone".

The iphone can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. Before you have decided to play.

Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… These are some of the iphone's subscription features.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players that have touched an iphone.

When someone with an iphone is crossing the street, the cars have to look both ways.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that the iphone didn't kill you in your sleep.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep the iphone out. But NOTHING can keep the iphone out.If the iphone had been around, you wouldn't have heard of David or Goliath because it would have tasered both of their asses.

The iphone does not sleep. It waits.

What was going through the minds of all of the iphone's victims before they died? An iphone.

The iphone uses a language that incorporates taser shots and sudden temperature changes. So the next time the iphone is totally kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, it may be just trying to tell you it likes your hat.

In a recent survey it was discovered that 56% of women whose romantic partners had an iphone reported asking their lovers to bring their iphone with them to bed. And then asking them to leave.

To Whom It May Concern...

Dear Dairy Products,

Oh how I miss thee.  I count the days until we can be together again, with no one coming between us.  Only 214 more days.   

Love,

Your Beloved Saki

****************************************************************

Dear Lactaid,

Fuck You.

No, really.  Fuck You.

Sincerely,

Saki

*****************************************************************

Dear Yoga Pants,

Don't tell Dairy Products, but you have become my new favorite thing in life.  

With Love Always,

The Very Comfortable Saki

In the land of oil

This morning, one of CNN's headliners was this story, regarding the ridiculous profiting of Exxon.  According to the report, Exxon is netting $1,300 per second.  In case you were wondering, that is the highest profit ever shown by any U.S. company.  

Nineteen years ago, due to gross negligence, one of Exxon's ships, the Valdez, was responsible for spilling eleven million gallons of crude oil into Prince William Sound.  Not only was this the largest oil spill ever to occur in U.S. waters, it is considered one of the biggest ecological disasters in the world because of the amount of coastline affected, and the massive loss of aquatic and marine life.  

Being coated with oil, the birds and other wildlife lose their ability to not only retain heat, but also to remain buoyant on the surface of the water.  In an attempt to cleanse themselves, the animals then ingested the crude oil spilled, resulting in a slow death of dehydration and starvation.  Rendered flightless, birds washed out to sea with the currents, unable to save themselves

You may have been comforted by those groups that "clean" the birds after a spill.  Or maybe you even remember those Dawn dish detergent commercials, depicting friendly faced volunteers happily scrubbing an oily duck.  Do you know what that process entails?  First, they catch the bird and then bring it to their facility.  Step two is "purging the bird," which is about as pleasant as it sounds.  A hose is shoved down it's throat and the bird is pumped full of a solution until all of the ingested oil has been shot out the other end.  Many don't make it through this process.  The survivors are then scrubbed, dried, scrubbed, dried, scrubbed, dried, until all of the oil has been removed.  This process, however, also removes the birds natural oils which help it to float and maintain body temperature.  So the clean birds are placed together in a giant temperature regulated room until their body produces enough natural oils for them to be returned to the wild. . . .Which is still covered in oil because 11 million gallons doesn't just clean itself up.

In fact, trying to remove crude oil from the shoreline has been compared to "trying to sop butter up off of a toasted english muffin."  The crevices and the pores just can not be fully cleaned and returned to their original state.  It will never be the same.  No amount of Dawn detergent, no amount of friendly faced volunteers will return it to it's natural state.  Scientists have estimated that as little as 10% of the oil spilled was actually retrieved.  

But I digress, I am getting off of my original topic.  Exxon was ordered to pay billions of dollars in punitive damages.  Now, I am not a fan of fixing mistakes with a wad of cash.  However, loss of natural beauty and wildlife aside, the Alaskan shore communities thrive on fishing.  It's their livelihood.  And it was ripped from beneath them because of Exxon.  Families were suddenly without income.  Their businesses, their boats, their homes, were oil soaked and destroyed.  

Nineteen years have passed now.  Long enough for children to have been born, grown, and graduate from high school.  Long enough for boats to have been scrapped, or replaced.  Long enough for marriages, divorces, and career changes.  Long enough for a good number of those fishermen from that maritime community to die in one of the many ways life and their chosen occupation offer. 

If you're still as angry as I am, drop Exxon a line, and tell them that this has been going on for nineteen years too long

Exxon Mobile

5959 Las Colinas Boulevard 
Irving, Texas 75039-2298 
(972) 444-1000 

And then there was one.

I've been avoiding posting this, even though I've known since Monday.

I went in for an appointment with a new doctor, because the old one was seeming to be more and more of an incompetent asshat.  

There is only one viable baby.  It was in there, heart beating away, and the other is dark, shadowy, "reabsorbing" as the doctor gently put it.  

How lonely for the other one.