A day in the life

This. Is. Brilliant.

I live the gay lifestyle, the gay lifestyle that is often mentioned by some Republican candidates for president. For those who are unfamiliar with the lifestyle, this is a typical day:

7:00 a.m. I wake up, and just as I have done every morning since puberty, I choose to be gay today. This will come as a great relief to my gay, homosexual, male lover who lies beside me. Because being gay is a choice, our relationship is a gamble day to day. Even though we have both chosen to remain gay and to be together every day for the past 16 years, we never take anything for granted. One of us just might throw in the towel one day and give up the lifestyle.

7:30 a.m. I take a gay shower and let the gay water rinse off my gay body.

8:00 a.m. I have a gay breakfast of cereal with milk, and a good, strong, gay cup of coffee. I am fortified for another day of ruining the fabric of American society.

9:00 a.m. I start my morning shift as a gay hospital volunteer. The hospital is not gay, just me. The patients are mostly normal people. But it is OK. The hospital has a rule that all volunteers must sanitize their hands before meeting with patients. This is to avoid spreading germs, but I think that hand sanitizer is also effective in stopping the transfer of my gayness to other people.

12:00 p.m. I return home, eat a gay lunch and take my gay dogs for a walk. Well, I am not sure if the dogs are actually gay. I have heard it said that homosexuality does not exist in the animal kingdom because it is not natural, so chances are that the dogs are not gay. But because they live with me and my gay, homosexual, male lover, they are perceived by others to be gay. I would feel bad about this, but the fact is that I need these dogs. They are the closest that I will ever come to having actual children, because, as everyone knows, gays should not (and cannot) have children. I push this out of my mind as I walk the dogs gaily through the neighborhood.

1:00 p.m. I teach classes at a small, prestigious, liberal arts college. I am a gay college professor. The college is not gay, just me. But some may view the college as way too liberal, because “sexual orientation” is listed within the college’s anti-discrimination policy. This basically means that the college turns a blind eye as I infect the impressionable students with my gayness on a daily basis. I do not teach anything particularly gay in my classes. I am a theater professor, which, for all intents and purposes, is gay to most people, anyway.

6:00 p.m. My gay, homosexual, male lover returns home from his job. Luckily, he has chosen to be gay today, too, so we can sit down and have a nice, relaxing gay dinner together. We are aware that our relationship is ripping at the seams of our heterosexual neighbors’ marriages, but we choose to ignore this. If we were normal people, the guilt might weigh on us heavily, but we are gay, after all, so we do not have consciences. We eat in peace.

8:00 p.m. We go gay bowling at our Suburban Gay Bowling League. There are quite a lot of us homosexuals who gather each week to bowl at our local bowling alley. This makes the normal suburban bowlers uncomfortable, but we do not care. Some of them are openly hostile to us. The more polite ones just stare at us. It makes us feel like we are caged, exotic animals in a zoo. But we count ourselves lucky because the alley owners have sold out. They allow us to bowl here because they are desirous of our ample, disposable gay income. Ah, the almighty dollar! The owners show mercy on the normal suburbanites, though, by putting a buffer zone of two vacant lanes between our gay league and them. We are respectful of this line, which we call the “edge of gayness,” and do not cross it. We try to tone down our gaiety and frivolity by focusing intently on our bowling. The normal suburbanites never venture past their side of the line, either, because it would be unimaginable to them to interact with us.

11:00 p.m. My gay, homosexual, male lover and I collapse from the weariness of the gay lifestyle we have been living today. All of this subversive loving, volunteering, working, eating, playing and socializing is exhausting. Some say the gay lifestyle is self-enslavement, but we just cannot think about that now. Before we fall asleep, we each take out our personal, leather-bound copies of The Gay Agenda. The Gay Agenda is our Bible. We do not look at the real Bible because we are gay and therefore have no religion or morality. We read and strategize how we can best destroy American society tomorrow. Sharing a good, hardy, gay laugh, we each fall into a sound, gay sleep.

Written by Domenick Scudera, courtesy of Huffington Post

Its Election Day!!

And for those of you who know me, you understand that this is like my ChristmaHannuKwaanzikah. So, it goes without saying:

Vote EARLY

Vote OFTEN

Vote DEMOCRAT

Demand the ballot as the undeniable right of every man who is called to the poll, and take special care that the old constitutional rule and principle, by which majorities alone shall decide in elections, shall not be violated.

An open letter to Senator Colgan

...And any other politician who would like to acquire my vote. I have written to Senator Colgan, Congressman Jerry Connolly, and Delegate Luke Torian, both of whom are on the ballot this year.

For the record, Senator Colgan is the only one who has not responded in any fashion (other than to leave me a pre-recorded message to remind me to vote for him on election day).

Senator Colgan,

We are writing to you today to ask for your assistance with a serious matter my family is facing. We have been residents of Virginia since 2004. My husband and I have two children; Cecilia, aged 5, and Lucas, aged 3. Our problem is with the medical care for Lucas, who has been diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome late last year and most recently been diagnosed with autism. He has global developmental delays, and currently wears leg braces on both legs. He uses a pediatric medical walker for longer distances. His afflictions are treatable, and with properly managed care he can live a fairly normal life. We want desperately to give him that chance.

Currently, our whole family is covered under an insurance policy provided by my husbands employer. This policy provides for 40 therapy sessions each calendar year for physical and occupational therapy combined. As of this date we have already exhausted our therapy sessions allotted for 2011. Lucas attends various therapy sessions each week now at a cost to us of over $400 per week. This is not a situation that will be resolved once the new policy year begins, it will just repeat, as Lucas will require such treatment for the foreseeable future. As with many childhood disorders, early and aggressive treatment of autism, and the many debilitating conditions associated with it, is paramount to successfully allowing the child to live a normal life. To not provide this care is to condemn him to life we don’t really want to consider. Ongoing physical therapy is essential to strengthen his muscles and protect his fragile joints and connective tissue from a lifetime of painful dislocations and subluxations.

My husbands employer has provided a very generous insurance policy for their employees and their families. However, in our case we are experiencing some severe medical costs. Recognizing the special nature of autism and the need for extended therapy sessions, the State of Virginia mandates publicly offered insurance policies to provide unlimited habilitation therapy sessions for a diagnosis of autism, regardless of what other session limits may apply to other diagnoses. Unfortunately, MITRE has negotiated a self-funded contract with Aetna Insurance, which places a cap at 40 sessions, with no possibility to appeal for more visits.

We have been working with the Human Resources department and with our insurance company to try to work out a solution. Although we all agree that there is a need for assistance, we have been told that it is not possible to cover these costs through the policy. We have received, and continue to receive, some benefits from state and county organizations, but it does not fill the gap. Lucas has aged out of the county PIE program, and is on the wait list to be evaluated by the public school system. They hope to be able to evaluate him before the close of 2011. The ARC, Easter Seals, Autism Speaks, and United Healthcare Childrens’ Foundation have all been very helpful so far, but none have been able to help us with a solution to the insurance coverage issues. We have been denied by Social Security due to income requirements.

We are respectfully asking for your help in several ways. While we understand that healthcare issues are a very heavy issues for politicians, we ask that you take a stand for the special needs citizens of Virginia, and help fill the gaps of the current situation.

If the mandate would encompass all insurance policies, rather than just those that are publicly funded, then all children would be able to receive the services that they need and deserve. We know that ours is not a unique case, and that there are countless other families struggling in the same way we are. Given the seriousness and prevalence of Autism and Autism Spectrum Disorders, we firmly believe that changing the provisions of the mandate would be tremendously beneficial to the children in our state.

Respectfully,

A desperate disease requires a dangerous remedy

Remember, remember, the 5th of November
The Gunpowder Treason and plot;
I see of no reason why Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot.

Apples to Apples

Teachers' hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work 9 months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do - babysit!

We can get that for less than minimum wage.

That's right. Let's give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked; not any of that silly planning time, or any time they spend before or after school. That would be $19.50 a day (7:45 to 3:00 PM with 45 min. off for lunch and plan-- that equals 6 1/2 hours).

Each parent should pay $19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children. Now how many students do they teach in a day...maybe 30? So that's $19.50 x 30 = $585.00 a day.

However, remember they only work 180 days a year!!! I am not going to pay them for any vacations.

LET'S SEE....

That's $585 X 180= $105,300

per year. (Hold on! My calculator needs new batteries).

What about those special

education teachers and the ones with Master's degrees? Well, we could pay them minimum wage ($7.75), and just to be fair, round it off to $8.00 an

hour. That would be $8 X 6 1/2 hours X 30 children X 180 days = $280,800 per year.

Wait a minute -- there's something wrong here! There sure is!

The average teacher's salary (nation wide) is $50,000. $50,000/180 days

= $277.77/per day/30 students=$9.25/6.5 hours = $1.42 per hour per student--a very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even EDUCATE your kids! WHAT A DEAL!!!!

Freedom is Never Free

"In war, there are no unwounded soldiers"

- Jose Narosky

To us in America, the reflections of Veteran's Day will be filled with solemn pride in the heroism of those who in died in this country's service and with gratitude for the victory, both because of the thing from which it has freed us and because of the opportunity it has given America to show her sympathy with peace and justice in the council of nations.

Take a moment today to remember those who gave their lives so that we might live ours freely.

Election Day!

Vote Early!

Vote Often!

Vote Democrat!

Remember, if you don't vote today, you don't get to complain about politics, taxes, public services, the condition of your roads, or pretty much anything else. There is a lot riding on this. Go vote, kids!

NonCensus

Several days ago, we got a letter in the mail, stating that we would soon be receiving our 2010 census form, if we hadn't already gotten it.

The following day, we got our census to fill out. Being the responsible citizen that I am, I filled it out, and dropped it off at the post office that very day!

Yesterday, we received a post card, reminding me that I was legally obligated to fill out the census and return it. The census that I mailed back last week? That one? Oh. Just checking.

Am I the only one who feels that this is a blatant overkill and waste of tax payer money? Not to mention the amount of paper it used, delivering those useless "It's coming! Get ready!" and "fill it out or else!" letters.

I understand that if someone fails to reply, then an actual person has to go to the house, knock on the door, and fill it out themselves then and there. I get the overwhelming cost in that.

However, with the overwhelming publicity this census has been given (there is even a bilingual Dora commercial on the 24/7 kids channel exclaiming "Help your parents fill out their census forms! It will help bring new daycares and playgrounds to YOUR neighborhood!" Uh, seriously?) there was no need to waste money and resources on a warning mailer, which arrived the day before, if not the same day as, the census.

And since everything is barcode it, scan it, input it, over it, it certainly seems like it would be easy enough to wait more than a day after receiving the survey, and then send out a reminder to those who haven't yet responded.

I know the USPS is hurting for money and all...but really? Really?

Just checking.

A Life in Photos

After one failed attempt, we here at the Costa Casa are attempting to resurrect Chia Obama head. I, Saki, do hereby vow to water and tend to said head.

I carefully read the instructions, soaking the head for an hour (okay, okay, it was like four hours. I forgot about him. Not off to a good start), and soaked the seeds for just as long. For those of you who have never known the joy of owning a Chia, the seeds look something like poppy seeds, and when submerged in water turn into a gelatinous mass that is not dislike the products of a nasty headcold. Once you've made this rather disgusting connection in your mind, it's time to spread the seeds onto the head, which is grooved for your convenience. The helpful directions suggest using a knife, but obviously the author of said directions has never actually tried to use a knife to spread the seeds. Use your fingers. It's gross, I know, but do you want this Chia to grow, or not?

Chia Obama Day One:

As you can see, I did a spectacular job of evenly spreading the seeds across grooved Obama's head. At this point, I took the time to actually read the directions on the back of the seed packet, to try to spot the error of my past Chia growing ways. The seeds told me to "tent" the head with plastic, but "DO NOT, WE REPEAT DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, EVEN IF THERE IS A FIRE OR ZOMBIE INVASION, LET THE PLASTIC TOUCH THE SEEDS!" Okay then. Loose plastic it is. A quart size storage bag from our good friends at Ziplock seemed to fit nicely. I double checked to make sure the seeds were properly hydrated, and stuck him in a sunny spot.

Chia Obama Day Two:

Will we fail again? Will Chia Obama head rise out of the ashes like a phoenix sprouting a luxurious head of whatever it is Chia seeds sprout into? Stay tuned, kids, for the next episode of A Life in Photos

We don't need no education

I know it's not on my Honey-Do list, but it's my blog, and I'm going to write about what I want to write about, dammit.

I was reading CNN this evening and stumbled across this article.

Los Angeles, California (CNN) -- Angry students staged a sit-in Thursday in an attempt to block university officials from leaving the UCLA campus after the California Board of Regents voted to raise undergraduate tuition 32 percent over the next two years.

Oh. My. God. A 32% increase! That is ludicrous. No wonder they were protesting.

The cost of higher education in this country is absolutely astounding. The average tuition for a private four year college in the US in 2009 is over $26,000. This is not including books, fees, room or board. This is solely the class tuition. The average room and board will run you around $8500, give or take. Just to live on campus, and attend class full time, you're looking at almost $35,000 per year to receive a bachelors degree. (Then I suppose you'll need books. And frivolous things like clothing and shampoo.) If you attend for four years, this makes the total cost almost $140,000. You could buy a house for that. In some places, you could buy two*.

The Hubbin' and I both graduated with student loans to pay for our education. Our combined total at the time of consolidation was a little over 30k. Not too shabby, considering he went to an engineering college, and I was a professional student. But we both had family help, and I had a trust fund, so that significantly offset the cost for us. Still, our payments to the loan company, at a 4% locked rate, are still just shy of $300 per month. I can not even fathom how high they'd be if we had 140k financed. How do you live? How do you afford the basics - food, shelter, transportation to get to the job that you financed your life away to get? I went to school for writing, and teaching, by proxy. The average yearly salary for a new teacher is significantly less than the average cost of college for one year. How does that make sense?

Teachers are taking paycuts, supplies and materials are lacking, but at the same time, enrollment is up, the money from the hefty tuition is coming in. If it's not going to the teachers, and it's not going to the students via supplies and materials, where is all this money going?

If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention.

*If you find those places, let me know, okay?

Pearls Before Swine

In keeping with the things that we don't discuss in mixed company, let's talk about the great vaccination debate.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends the following schedule for children:

The first vaccine, Hepatitis B is to be administered at birth. The rest of the vaccines begin around eight weeks of age. Kind of insane, right?

Unless you're us. We have decided not to follow the recommended chart, and instead follow our instincts about the vaccination schedule.

There are many reasons that parents choose not to have their children immunized - Themerosol; the suspected autism link to some vaccines; the comfort of herd immunity; some believe that natural immunity is far superior to lab created immunity; some feel the risks of the vaccine outweigh the risks of the illness it is vaccinating against.

For us, it's a small combination of all of those. I intend to have my children vaccinated fully (well, as "fully" as I'm willing to go) probably by the time they start school. Both children had their first immunizations around six months of age. They both received DTaP, HiB and Polio vaccinations, and that is where it has stopped for both. The decision caused such a ruckus that we were fired from our pediatricians practice, and told we were a "threat" to their healthy children.

But then this whole H1N1 nonsense began. The media was all over it, and soon it was all anyone could talk about. My sister and the Hubbin's cousin both managed to get The Swine and recover fully.

However, what truly scared me about this pandemic (and I truly use that word loosely) was the fact that healthy children were dying of it. The seasonal flu kills people every year. It also kills children every year. But this particular strain of flu seems to be preying on healthy children. And it just so happens I have two healthy children.

Our (new and much loved) pediatrician broached the subject at Lucas' one year appointment the beginning of September. He, of course, did not have the vaccine yet, but he had a list going of parents that were potentially interested. I wasn't 100% certain that I wasn't interested, so I cautiously put my name on their list.

And then last night they called. One of my favorite things about our current pediatrician is that a doctor personally calls you, you never get stuck with a temp hired to make 700 vaccine phone calls. So after talking to the doctor for a solid 20 minutes, he gently pointed out that he had 600 people to call regarding this vaccine. I made an appointment for the kids for noon today, and decided we could continue the conversation then, figuring that if we don't end up with the vaccine, nothing would be lost but an hour or two of our time.

I called everyone who I thought might have any input regarding my decision last night. I carefully outlined a list of questions, and went in armed with a print out from the CDC with points I wanted to discuss highlighted.

My defining concern was: Are children dying because they waited too long to go to the hospital for care, or are children dying because there is nothing they can do to help that child?

The answer, in a clear as mud way, was they just don't know. In some, the virus progresses as a normal flu, and in some, it progresses at lightening speed, rendering doctors helpless, even in the finest of hospitals.

Since my children are my life, I took a deep breath and wrapped my firstborn tightly in my arms, holding her hands in mine as the administered the first dose of the H1N1 vaccination. She cried "That hurts me, Mommy! That hurts my leg!" and I cried with her. Luckily, the nursing staff realized I was a basket case, and they helped calm Cecilia so that I could hold Lucas for his turn. They are snuggled together on my bed, watching Ni Hao, Kai-Lan (yeah, I don't know, either).

Watching them drift in and out of catnaps, curled together, I truly hope beyond hope that I have made the right decision.

I made that, you know.

No really, I did.

Rock the Vote

Vote Early!

Vote Often!

Vote Democrat*!

*Or at the very least, don't vote Republican.

Blah blah, health care, yadda yadda

Protect Insurance Companies PSA from Will Ferrell

Quick! He's after our children!!!

Attention Virginia Democrats!

Today is election day!  Go vote in the primary!  

If you don't vote today, I don't want to hear any bitching and moaning out of you come November when you don't like any of the candidates.  

Things that make you go "Hmm.."

Given the recent finger pointing about the financial state of our country, I thought it would be fun to blog about money.  I enjoy spending money, I will admit it.  And really, who doesn't?  I tried to think of the largest sum of money I've held, and I don't think it was much (relatively speaking.)  I think I had maybe two thousand dollars in cash on me at one point when I was buying my second car.  At any rate, it's shocking to see how small two thousand dollars is when you hold it in your hand.  So much money seems like it should carry some weight to it - a hefty bundle.  So, let's look at money, shall we?

This is a $100USD bill.  Don't bother trying to print it out, that is fraudulent, and MSNBCasey can not be held responsible for your heathen activities.  Depending on the size of your screen, it should be pretty close to actual size.  H'anyway, this is the largest bill currently in general circulation:

Next we have a packet of one hundred $100 bills.  It is less than 1/2" thick, and contains $10,000USD.  Will fit perfectly in your pocket, and will provide days of fun: 

Believe it or not, blogfans, this next pile is a cool million - that's one hundred packets of $10,000.  It might not fit in your pocket, but I'm pretty sure I could cram that into the ol' Coach bag:

And now we're getting somewhere.  This is a picture of one hundred million dollars (Let's all do the Dr. Evil pinky-to-the-lips).  That is $100,000,000USD.  It fits nicely on a standard size pallet:

And now we have one billion dollars:

Next, we will look at one trillion dollars, since thats the recent drama.  For those of you, like myself, who are not of a math mind, a trillion is a one followed by twelve zeros.  And if you were to lay it out in hundred dollar bills, this is what it would look like.  Be sure to note that those pallets are double stacked:

Oh, and just for kicks, here is the national debt laid out in $100 bills

The Story of Stuff

Quickly now, get your pitchforks and torches

10 REASONS WE SHOULD NOT ALLOW GAY MARRIAGE IN AMERICA

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay.  It will do so in the same way that hanging around left-handed people will make you left-handed.

3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all.  Clearly,  women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed. The sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children.  We know this is fact, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society.  We could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Barack The Vote!

Vote Early!
Vote Often!
Vote Democrat!